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Slack tide: 50 random thoughts on a rainy Sunday morning

Posted: May 26, 2012 - 11:02pm

1. More rain. “Quelle surprise.” This kind of apathy can only be conveyed in French.

2. Alaska summer daylight plays havoc with a little kid’s sleep cycle. That’s something they don’t cover in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

3. Rain is responsible for depositing most of the fresh water on earth. The rest of it comes from Brita.

4. I like our rotating schedule of who wakes up with the kids a lot more when my wife draws the early morning shift.

5. Of course, the other person has to put the kids back to sleep in the middle of the night. In this way, we’ve struck the ideal marital compromise: we both hate it.

6. I really shouldn’t look at the clock. Damn, I looked.

7. Is 6:07 a.m. too early to put a shot of Jameson in my coffee?

8. I am hereby removing all clothing from my wardrobe made of material that doesn’t end in -ex or -ene. Well, aside from my Carhartts, you know, in case I need to go to a wedding or something.

9. I wish my daughter liked SpongeBob — I chain-watched that show on rainy weekends even before she was born. Alas, I’m stuck with “Bratz Babies.”

10. No matter what time it is, no matter what day, conditions have been exactly the same every time I’ve looked out the window for the past three weeks. I think I might like that.

11. Wait, does that make me depressed?

12. It’s late May. I can’t believe the outdoor thermometer reads 41 degrees. Although, pretending that’s Celsius, that’s a toasty 105.8 Fahrenheit — maybe we should convert to the metric system after all.

13. Each year on earth, 121,000 cubic miles of water falls as precipitation, 95,000 cubic miles of it over oceans. That makes me feel less guilty about peeing off the side of the boat.

14. Wait, does worrying about being depressed make me neurotic?

15. It’s safe to let the kids sit on the garage steps while I cut kindling for the woodstove, right? But I probably shouldn’t tell anyone I let our 4-year-old handle the hatchet.

16. D’oh.

17. How does wet concrete ever dry around here?

18. All right, let’s get the kids in rain gear and go play outside… After I drink more coffee.

19. #$%*&!

20. Better brew up another pot.

21. #$&@#%*&#@^!^$^!!!

22. In a pinch, can’t you re-use the same coffee grounds? People steep tea bags more than once. I don’t see why it shouldn’t work.

23. Oh, that’s why.

24. Scientists strongly suspect rain falls on other planets, where it may be composed of methane, sulfuric acid or molten iron.

25. My wife wants something called a micro-piglet.

26. I wonder if a Juneau rec-league softball game would finally get called off if it was raining sulfuric acid. Probably not. Molten iron, maybe, but only if there was lightning, too.

27. The flight-seeing outfits must be taking a bath so far this tourist season.

28. Artists who have recorded songs with the title “Rain”: The Beatles, Madonna, Creed, Jose Feliciano, Debbie Harry, Terence Trent D’Arby. Remember him?

29. Micro-piglets — also known as mini, teacup or pygmy piglets — are bred to be extra-small, extra-friendly and extra-adorable, especially in photos sitting atop a strawberry and published in “People” magazine.

30. Is it just me, or is starting to clear up down the Channel?

31. Nope, just me.

32. I love taking our 18-month-old son to outdoor birthday parties in the rain. All decked out in baby Grundéns and kiddie XtraTufs — in which he looks even cuter than a micro-piglet on a strawberry — he’s free to cover himself with as much cupcake icing as he likes; hell, he can roll himself in sand until he resembles a little toddling mozzarella stick. I can just take him home and hit him the pressure washer.

33. I really should plant a garden this summer.

34. No, dude, seriously, let’s get the kids in rain gear and go play outside. Okay, fine, we can Skype Grandma first.

35. A micro-piglet weighs 8 oz. at birth, and grows to be as big as a springer spaniel. Granted, this is 20 percent the size of a regular pig, but still, it’s a dog-sized pig running around the house. We already have two kid-sized pigs doing that.

36. I really should stop saying I really should plant a garden this summer. I haven’t even opened that Topsy Turvy indoor tomato planter I bought in a moment of late-night weakness.

37. If I ever publish a book of humorous personal essays about life in Southeast Alaska, I’m going to title it “Dress Your Family in Neoprene and Rubber.”

38. Google David Sedaris if you don’t understand the above reference.

39. I’m hiding “Charlotte’s Web,” lest my wife use pre-bed storytime to recruit our daughter in this whole pig thing. I’m not strong enough to resist a coordinated attack, which is why my toenails are currently painted sparkly neon blue.

40. Re: gardening… Maybe if I started smaller, like, say, a Chia Pet?

41. If all of the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, here in Southeast Alaska, we’d all go into hyperglycemic shock.

42. I’m secretly tempted to sell some of my gold to JuneauGoldBuyer.com.

43. The Köppen climate classification system defines a rainforest as receiving at least 69 inches of rainfall a year. Juneau averages 58, which technically makes its climate “humid continental.” Turns out we don’t live in a rainforest after all.

44. When people moan about soggy stretches like this, I’m still going to say, “Well, we do live in a rainforest.” Sounds a lot better than “Well, we do live in a humid continental.”

45. According to Chia.com, they make a Chia SpongeBob now. Man, that’d go great with my unopened Topsy Turvy. That’s it, I’m ordering one. Oh, and also a Chia Albert Einstein head.

46. You know that awesome smell of fresh rain? That comes from petrichor, a plant oil absorbed by rock and soil, released by rainfall. Or Axe Body Spray for Her.

47. Cherrapunji, in the Indian Himalayas, is the wettest place on earth, with an average rainfall of 450 inches. Anyone else feeling rain envy?

48. I hate wearing sunblock so much more. Let’s not forget about that.

49. OK, I can’t stand another minute of this. Let’s get the kids in rain gear and —

50. Oh, shift’s over: mom’s turn. I’m going back to bed. Wake me when it’s snowing again.

• Geoff Kirsch is a local writer. View more of his work at www.geoffkirsch.com. Contribute your own photos to his blog, dogturdsofalaska.blogspot.com.

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