Hey kids, it's a Mad Lib! Simply follow the directions and fill in the blanks for hours of fun in the car, the living room or the corner tavern! And please, send us your completed Mad Libs. The best will be published online at clubhooligan.com.
Not since the 1850s - an era when the increased availability of refined and sweetened goods caused a proportionate explosion in dental caries - has it been so difficult to be an incisor, a bicuspid or a maxillary molar.
These days, every __(number)__-pound housewife with an addiction to __(narcotic)__ and a subscription to __(vaguely left-wing magazine)__ thinks they know what's best for your teeth.
Sadly, that demographic constitutes a large and __(adjective)__ majority of our town's __(adjective)__ political and business elite.
Do you want all these people peering into your __(body part)__? I doubt it. But if you've read the Letters to the Editor for the past __(number)__ months, you'll notice they have been.
"I'm voting NO on Oct. 2!" they proudly extol. "Because I was once listening to NPR, and they had this hypnotherapist from __(blue state)__, who blamed fluoride for the increased level of __(rare terminal illness)__ in midgets, the war in __(East African country)__ and the aphids on my __(flowering plant)__."
"I'm also voting NO!" their friend writes. "Because I was talking to Hilda at this dinner party, and I ... er ... well ... I'm just along for another pseudo-progressive joyride."
Do these people not trust their dentists? Do they honestly believe that medical professionals are part of a wide-ranging and __(adjective)__ Communist plot to __(verb)__ the water table and __(verb)__ the collective paradigm?
Yes. They do. And that's why Alaska is so renowned for its __(adjective)__ weed.
A disclaimer: My father is a dentist, a damn good one. I've never had a cavity, so he knows what he's talking about. He's pro-fluoride, which means Citizens for Safe Water can __(verb)__ my __(noun)__.
Hey, if you're wealthy and you can afford quality dental care, buy bottled water. Good for you. You're a regular __(historic revolutionary)__.
But for the love of __(holy deity)__, put the fluoride back in the tap.
Here's a rule of thumb: Where there's poor, there's usually a fridge full of __(adjective)__, sugary foods and alcohol. In other words, a mouth full of __(noun suggesting death and decay)__.
Who wants to bet that more Alaskans are addicted to cheap, cavity-multiplying sodas and syrup-infested juices than alcohol? Those people need all the extra help they can get, especially if it means a boost from their drinking water.
"Oh, but think about the children," the fluoride opponents say.
Ah yes, those __(adjective)__ children. Who among us isn't sick of that tired, old guilt trip?
Look, maybe if you drink an excess of fluoridated tap water in an impoverished part of __(obscure Appalachian state)__ with a poor water system, you run a slightly higher chance of contracting dental fluorisis. And maybe if you walk too long on the grass, you'll grow warts all over your __(body part)__.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to brush my teeth.
• Korry Keeker can be reached at 523-2268 or korry.keeker@juneauempire.com.
