50 thoughts while snow-blowing

1. Here we go again.

2. Shoveling snow in full rain gear — now, that’s what I call a “telling detail” of winter in Southeast Alaska.

3. I’m going to assume the belts and cables don’t need adjustment. I just tightened them two Februarys ago.

4. The least I can do is check the motor oil.

5. Note to self: in future, do not hang daughter’s princess car blanket on hook right next to grease rag. Way too easy to confuse.

6. Pull-start’s jammed. I’ll get the screwdriver.

7. #$%*&!

8. I wonder how many other guys question their manhood if they can’t fix their own jammed pull-start.

9. The manual warns against using the electric starter when it’s raining — does that apply to sleet, too?

10. Sure does. At least I’m awake now.

11. This driveway seems a lot steeper on foot than by car.

12. Does liking the smell of burning gasoline make me a shoddy environmentalist?

13. I forgot how slippery sheer ice could be.

14. To buy: Yaktrax, gravel, ibuprofen.

15. I really should plug my book more often.

16. Outweighing this 200-lb. snow blower is the only thing keeping it from tipping over backward on top of me. Looks like I can eat nachos after all.

17. Get a jump on “Black Friday” — buy your copy of Run For Your Life Doomsday 2012! by local writer Geoff Kirsch today; it’s the perfect stocking stuffer (in that it stuffs quite handily into most standard stockings).

18. Down is a lot more fun than up.

19. I should hook up a snowplow to my Subaru. Plowbaru. I like the sound of that.

20. Dude, I think I sprained my ankle.

21. By the way, you can also give Run For Your Life Doomsday 2012! for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or even as an early Valentine’s Day gift. Nothing says “I love you” like the coming apocalypse.

22. Why can’t I mow my lawn with the same sense of urgency?

23. Truth be told, Run For Your Life Doomsday 2012! is more of a page-a-day calendar than a book. Still, it’s in national release from a real New York publishing house. Plus, with a retail price of $12.99 US/$13.99 CAN/$25.99 Australia, and at least two jokes a day, every day, even after the world’s supposed end on Dec. 21, 2012, that’s $.017 a joke US/$.019 Canada/$.036 Australia. Even Down Under, that’s a steal.

24. No, dude, seriously, I really think I sprained my ankle.

25. I bet halibut would work great as Parmesan, both on a hero and over pasta. I can’t be the first person with that idea. There has to be a reason why you never see it.

26. #$&@#%*&#@^!^$^!!!

27. Don’t tell me the gas can’s empty.

28. Don’t tell my wife I siphoned three gallons from the car.

29. Is it “Parmesan” or “Parmigiano-Reggiano”?

30. I’ve got a real love/hate relationship brewing with the municipal snowplow: love, in that it clears the calf-deep mire of dirty snow, suddenly rendering our road passable again; hate, in that it deposits an entire street’s worth of the stuff right onto the foot of my driveway, suddenly rendering it impassable again.

31. Snow blowers have been around since 1930. It’s been 80 years — can’t they make one that works on slush?

32. I wonder if Juneau Mountain Rescue ever had to rescue someone from his own driveway.

33. Are they going to be selling the old Eaglecrest platter pull lift at state surplus? It’d be so much easier to install something like that and just park at the bottom of drive under a canvas tent for eight months.

34. Pre-school better be open tomorrow.

35. Only 15 more years until my son can do this.

36. Would my neighbors find an anatomically correct snowman humorous? Or would someone call the police?

37. The longer I shovel without needing a defibrillator the less likely I’ll need one at all.

38. I’m proud of myself for putting up a whole cord of firewood in my garage, Lincoln-logged for increased airflow and everything.

39. No one must ever know I paid someone to split and deliver it.

40. D’oh.

41. No, dude, seriously, pre-school really better be open tomorrow.

42. I wonder how much “Irish” we have left for Irish coffee.

43. I can’t believe I’m destroying such a totally killer sledding run.

44. How can I throw together a barely coherent piece that hides its lack of substance behind cheap gimmicks, non-sequiturs and kitschy pop culture references?

45. I think I’m going to order a Slap Chop. And one of those home soda makers.

46. I wish I had a flame-thrower. I could save the melt water to put in my new home soda maker.

47. Is it normal for a snow blower to spit sparks like that?

48. Quitting time. Can’t wait to do it all over again in four hours.

49. I hate hot summers so much more. Let’s not lose sight of that.

50. Now, about that Irish coffee.

• “Slack Tide” runs every other Sunday in Neighbors. Look local first, but if you can’t find it, visit www.geoffkirsch.com, for links to purchase Run For Your Life Doomsday 2012!

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