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Slacktide: Bogs are the new Xtra Tuffs

Posted: June 24, 2012 - 12:00am

Wet is the new dry.

Bogs are the new Xtra Tuffs.

Light is the new dark, which makes playtime the new sleepy time as far as my kids are concerned.

Rain is the new snow.

Rain is the new sun.

Working really hard on a million different projects is the new summer vacation.

So far this baseball season, pitching is the new hitting.

Solstice is the new equinox.

The “Transit of Venus” is the new “new” Indiana Jones movie: a lot of hype leading up to an ultimately disappointing visual spectacle, and now we’ve got to wait until 2117 for the next installment.

#whatever is the new whatever is the new whatever.

You can also still use “spoiler alert: whatever.” But #whatever is bound to get laughs until Twitter nukes the fridge.

Nuking the fridge is the new jumping the shark (not to be confused with drinking the Kool-Aid or jumping on the grenade).

Urban dictionary is the new Merriam-Webster’s.

Quinoa is the new couscous, which is, itself, the new rice pilaf.

Underemployed is the new employed.

Unemployed is the new underemployed. Man, it’s just going to keep getting worse before it gets better.

Petersburg is the new Juneau (at least according to the latest legislative redistricting plan).

In modern little kid parlance, “owie” is the new “boo-boo.”

While we’re on the subject, “bum-bum” is the new “tushy.”

However, “pee-pee” is still “pee-pee” and “Poo-poo” is still “poo-poo.” You don’t mess with the classics.

Squeezable single serving pouches of applesauce are the new Go-Gurt. Finally, we can enjoy applesauce on the run. I used to have to block out time, especially if it was the kind with chunks mixed in.

Retro is the new futuristic.

Pirate’s Booty is the new Cheez Doodle.

Soft is the new hard, with regard to tacos.

Hard is the new soft, with regard to pretzels.

Political elections are the new Academy Awards.

The Academy Awards are the new Grammy Awards.

The Grammy Awards are the new… wait, do they even hold those anymore?

Woof is the new meh.

Axe Body Spray is the new Drakkar Noir.

Composting is the new recycling.

The new iPad is the new iPad. Seriously, Apple opted not to call it iPad 3 or iPad HD. It’s just the new iPad. Like Cher.

Humans are the new dinosaurs.

Gluten-free is the new low-carb.

Country is the new western.

Crying toddlers are the new alarm clock.

Wet is the new dry. What? I used that one already? Yeah, well, it’s been really wet out there lately.

40 is the new 30, and 30 is the new 20, but 20 is still one year below the legal drinking age. Who’s laughing now? Me, because I’ve had a few. Legally.

Açaí is the new cranberry.

Goji is the new açaí. What can I say? Things move fast in the world of anti-oxidant juice blends.

Complicated is the new simple.

Debt-ridden is the new financially solvent.

Texting is the new smoking.

Skinny jeans are the new baggy jeans which used to be the new skinny jeans which used to be the new baggy jeans and so on going all the way back to the original Levi and Strauss.

Parenthood is the new childhood (but with no time outs).

A muddy, gravel-strewn construction zone is my new front lawn — no mowing for me this summer!

Almond butter is the new peanut butter. Or, at least it’s going to be. We’re only now just starting to see the effects of the 2011 U.S. peanut crop failure. Sure, we could always import, but do we really want to become reliant on foreign nut butter?

Chupacabra is the new sasquatch. Trust me on this.

Vomitous is the new bbq pulled pork sandwich at Burger King. Trust me on this, too.

Zombies are the new vampires.

Somehow, Fox News is the new CNN, and CNN is the new Fox News. Looks like Wolf Blitzer chose the wrong team.

New New York is the new New York in Philip K. Dick’s classic sci-fi novel “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” — in “Blade Runner,” the movie version, it’s Los Angeles. Weird.

Silence is the new noise.

Doping racehorses with dermorphin, a powerful performance-enhancing substance derived from the skin of certain South American frogs, is the new scourge of professional sports now that Roger Clemens has been acquitted of perjury charges.

Removing friends from social networking sites is the new age f-you.

Tightie whities are the new chastity belt.

Short, nerdy and rich is the new tall, dark and handsome.

Life-size cardboard cutouts of Sarah Palin are the new bear claw salad tongs.

Aoli is the new mayo.

A long list of non-sequiturs following a gimmicky structure way beyond its novelty is the new well-crafted, well-thought out, pointed personal essay.

Sean Hopper, Bill Gibson, Johnny Colla, Stef Burns, John Pierce, Marvin McFadden, Rob Sudduth and Johnnie Bamont are the new News of Huey Lewis and the News.

Huey Lewis is still the old Huey Lewis, although his birth name was Hugh Anthony Cregg.

Fifteen minute chunks is the new way I attack my whole, unending, constantly wakeful, underemployed, over-stressed, wet, debt-ridden, gravel-strewn, rainy, childcare-filled and zombie-infested life. And you know what? It’s working for me.

Earnest is the new ironic.

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