50 random thoughts on a sunny Sunday morning

1. More sun — yay! I can’t tell if I mean that sarcastically or not.


2. Last night Juneau experienced 15 hours, 45 minutes and 13 seconds of daylight. The other 8 hours, 14 minutes and 47 seconds my wife and I spent putting our kids back to sleep, until daylight came, when they woke up for good.

3. The sun is almost perfectly round, extremely dense and made of hot plasma, much like a McDonald’s McGriddle breakfast sandwich.

4. I can’t believe I traded laundry detail for early morning babysitting shift.

5. Actually, when they’re your own kids, I think it’s “parenting” as opposed to “babysitting.”

6. Don’t look at the clock, don’t look at the clock. Damn, I looked at the clock.

7. Is 5:47 a.m. too early to put Carolan’s in my coffee?

8. What about Jameson?

9. I may never wear Xtra Tuffs again, unless I’m going to a wedding and I need to dress up.

10. I’m so bummed Nickelodeon pulled their programming from Netflix. “SpongeBob” I can deal with; “My Little Pony” makes me want to lobotomize myself with bamboo barbecue skewer up my nostril. But I won’t — we’re making kebabs later and I’d hate to run short.

11. Conditions have been exactly the same every time I’ve looked out the window for the past three weeks. I think that’s making me depressed.

12. Wait, I thought only rain was supposed to make you depressed.

13. On several occasions, my outdoor thermometer has read above 90 degrees. Although, to be fair, it never seems to fall below 90, either, so it may not be as “Acc-u-Rite” as its brand name suggests.

14. With a diameter of 1.4-million kilometers a mass of 1.989 x 1030 kilograms, the Sun accounts for 99.86% of the total mass of the entire Solar System. The rest is Bruce Vilanch.

15. Wait, does worrying about being depressed make me neurotic?

16. It’s safe to let my kids work a pole trimmer, right? Although I probably shouldn’t tell anyone I also let them take a few hacks with the scythe.

17. D’oh.

18. The sun has a surface temperature of approximately 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, 27 million degrees at its core, again, much like the McGriddle breakfast sandwich.

19. All right, kids, let’s go play outside…. Okay, fine, one more “My Little Pony” but that’s it.

20. Many societies and cultures throughout history have paid homage to the Sun by placing it prominently in their religions and mythologies. Also as mascots for sports teams.

21. The first effective sunscreen was developed in1938 by Austrian chemist Franz Greiter, who called it “Gletscher Crème,” or Glacier Cream. Good name — although as far as product naming goes, nothing beats Liquid Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake.

22. Direct exposure to sunlight causes the human body to produce vitamin D; it also causes the human body to ingest “vitamin R.” By the half-rack.

23. Wait, does worrying about being neurotic make me paranoid?

24. Earlier this week they unveiled the world’s first hamburger patty made out of in-vitro beef, cultured in a laboratory. They also premiered “Rocky: The Musical.” Hard to tell which is more vomitous.

25. Scientists believe the sun’s temperature and luminosity will increase such that in 1 billion years, the Earth will become too hot for liquid water, ending all life. That considered, I see no point in mowing my lawn ever again.

26. I’m getting freckles on my eyelids.

27. I can’t believe we actually had a softball game postponed for rain this summer.

28. Fred Meyer sold out of every single sand toy and kiddie pool earlier this month.

29. Contrary to popular belief, KC and the Sunshine Band did not record the song “Walking on Sunshine.” That was Katrina and the Waves. KC and the Sunshine Band did “That’s the Way (I Like It)” and “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Your Booty.”

30. Sunlight is the Earth’s primary source of energy. Mine is turkey sandwiches.

31. Is it just me, or is it starting to cloud up?

32. Nope, just cruise ship exhaust.

33. There are fewer things more disgusting than a sand-encrusted toasted marshmallow, except a sand encrusted toasted marshmallow masked by chocolate and graham crackers so that you don’t notice the sand until it’s way too late.

34. I really should power wash the house this year.

35. Okay, kids, that’s it for “My Little Pony.” Now we’re going outside for real. Fine, we can Skype grandma first.

36. Sunlight on Mars is like daylight on Earth wearing sunglasses. On Saturn it’s as bright as Earth’s sunset. On Pluto, it matches an average living room. Good news if you’re traveling to the outer reaches of the solar system — no need to pack a clip-on reading lamp.

37. I really should stop saying I really should power wash the house this year. I haven’t even opened that window washer hose attachment I bought last summer.

38. My computer literally baked in the sun about a month ago. Seriously. I left the blinds above my desk open on a particularly gorgeous day and came home to find portions of the motherboard melted.

39. It better rain soon so I can clean my house.

40. There are few things funnier than a group of goth kids sunbathing.

41. Re: power washing the house… Maybe if I started smaller, like, say, scraping the eagle poop off the deck.

42. Seriously, kids, I mean it. We’re going outside. Fine, we can Skype your other grandma, too.

43. Isaac Newton observed the Sun’s light using a prism, not only becoming the first to demonstrate sunlight’s color composition, but also presaging the cover of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” by several hundred years.

44. Liquid Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake doesn’t work on hair brushes flushed down the toilet. Neither does an actual pipe snake. Nope, I’ll to have to take the toilet off. Not today though — too nice outside.

45. The photic sneeze reflex, commonly known as “sun sneezing,” is a condition of uncontrollable sneezing in response to bright light.

46. A-choo!

47. The sunniest place on Earth is Yuma, Ariz. The cloudiest place is Cold Bay, Alaska. Juneau’s claim to fame: world’s smallest Costco.

48. I hate wearing rubber clothes so much more. Let’s not forget that.

49. Okay, I can’t stand another minute. Kids, we’re going outside to —

50. Oh, wait, early shift’s over: mom’s turn. Wake me when it’s snowing again.

• Slack Tide runs every other week in Neighbors. Read more of Geoff’s work at www.geoffkirsch.com.


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Mon, 04/23/2018 - 12:26

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