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Instructions for the Game of Instructions

Posted: October 5, 2013 - 11:04pm

The Game of Instructions: For two or more players, ages 3 and up.

Important: You must read and follow all instructions before playing the Game of Instructions. Failure to do so may result in injury or, in some cases, death.

Ready to begin the fun?

Step 1: Getting Started

Remove game contents from game box (game box keys sold separately).

Game of Instructions contents should include: a spinner; three decks of cards; one six-sided die; one 20-sided die; one 50-sided die (also known as an icosakaipentagonal trapezohedron); one two-sided die (also known as a coin); 15 miniature plastic bones; an egg-timer; a stopwatch (for calibrating the egg-timer; see “Instructions for the Game of Instructions” step 12); and a linear displacement potentiometer (for calibrating the stopwatch; see “Instructions for the Game of Instructions” step 354).

Contents also include; a pad; a pencil; seven dominoes; a turkey baster; two vials of blood (type AB negative); a potato chip resembling the profile of Sylvester Stallone; one milligram of anti-matter cooled in electron plasma; one ratty old Pink Floyd t-shirt from the “Momentary Lapse of Reason” tour; a buzzer; night vision goggles; two weeks supply of MREs for six players (based on 700 cal/day diet/per player).

And: one game board.

For those who think playing the Game of Instructions sounds too complicated, no, you may not just take the turkey baster and squirt blood at each other instead.

Step 2: Determining Play Order

Roll dice. Highest roller goes first. See, not complicated at all!

Remaining players simply roll again, determining play in descending order of dice rolls … after plugging each roll into the following formula. Show all work.

(See formula above.)

Step 3: The Bank

Each player receives $1,500 divided as follows:

Two $500s

Two $100s and two $50s

Six $20s

Five $10s

Five $5s

Five $1s

Note: Once play begins, transactions are conducted in Suisse francs, using the conversion rate 1 to 1.08. Change will be made in Albanian lek (consult Travelex for current exchange information).

Step 4: Preparing for Game Play

Each player picks seven letters from the tile bag, then spins the wheel. If property is un-owned, a player may buy a consonant, get married, deploy armies to Greenland and place his right foot on green. At that time, knights move three spaces UP and two spaces OVER, marking any hits with a red peg on the ocean grid, until someone THROWS OUT a Wild Draw Four card and everyone “Yahtzee!” Unless the “President” calls a social and everyone drinks.

Step 5: Setting Up the Game Board

The Game of Instructions must be played on a high-gloss mahogany table of precise dimensions 8 ft. x 8 in. x 8 cm.

Should this not match the size of your pre-existing high-gloss mahogany table, a wood planer may be ordered online at Note: You must set up a Game of Instructions user account; see instructions for the Instructions for the Game of Instructions website at Instructions for these instructions are available as a “How to” series on YouTube.

Steps 6 through 795 are printed in fluorescent ink. You will need a black light to read them. Black light may be obtained from TSA airport security agent or teenage stoner’s bedroom.

Step 796: Player Seating

As you might imagine, seating order is important to the Game of Instructions. Very important. For example, later, when opening a maximally-extended intra-universe wormhole (using the anti-matter mentioned in the game contents section), seating influences which player(s) get sucked into the ensuing vortex. Players existing in parallel dimensions may not collect rent.

Determine seating order by engaging in hand-to-hand gladiatorial combat. Tridents may be used.

And… Fight!

(Australian rules: flip a two-sided die instead)

Step 797: Partial Laparoscopic Nephrectomy Surgery

After establishing seating order, the player to the left must perform a partial laparoscopic nephrectomy on the player to his/her right. See Step 3019 of “Instructions for the Game of Instructions,” which will guide you through your medical degree and five-year residency (you’re on your own for any additional fellowships).

Once accredited by the state medical licensing board, draw cards to determine where to make your laparoscopic incisions — bet they don’t teach that at Johns Hopkins!

Step 798, part c, subsection xiv:

In a 5,000-word essay explore the major psychological themes of Marcel Proust’s “Remembrances of Things Past.” Be sure to footnote your references using MLA style.

Step 799: Physical and Mental Readiness

Players must be in peak physical condition to play the Game of Instructions.

Player 1: Do 100 pushups. Now do them military-style. Now on your fingertips. Now one-armed. Now with your mind.

Should you contemplate skipping the pushups — after all, how are we really going to know? — understand that your purchase of the Game of Instructions triggered the installation of audio and video surveillance throughout your home, as well as implantation in your brain. To ensure compliance with all instructions for the Game of Instructions, we’re also tailing your family. And we’ve got your dog.

Step 800: Proper Handling and Care

Do not get players wet. Do not expose players to sunlight. And never — no matter how much they beg — feed players after midnight.

For Steps 801 through 5,448, travel to geo-cache location 45°17.460’N 122°24.800’W. Then start digging.

Step 5,449: Time Travel

Rochambeau to determine which player constructs time machine (see insert for assembly guide; Allen wrench required). Travel back in time, returning to the game at this precise moment. Wait. No, this precise moment. No, this one. Be careful not to leave your wallet at the Battle of Gettysburg. Again.

Step 5450: Almost there — one more step before you can start playing!

Fill a briefcase with $50,000 (54,000 Suisse francs) in unmarked, non-sequential bills.

Proceed to the pay phone at the bus terminal at the corner of Egan Drive and Main Street.

There, await further instructions.

And no funny business. Remember, we’ve got your dog. Whether or not you get him back is entirely up to you.

• Slack Tide appears every other Sunday in Neighbors.

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