I was there. I stood and watched as volunteers, and then EMTs worked mightily to snatch life back from death. I stood on the edge of the circle, keeping vigil for one who was no longer able to hope for her own self. I prayed again and again, Lord, be present. Lord, be present. Lord, be present. The trauma scene became holy space, a space where lament and purpose intertwined.
I am part of the Juneau Suicide Prevention Coalition. We come from a variety of professions, organizations, ethnicities and walks of life. We have worked to bring safe conversation about suicide into public spaces, including schools, churches, workplaces … our messages are on buses, in newspapers, across social media. We do not pretend that suicide is not a reality in our community, and in our state. However, talking openly and honestly about suicide creates opportunity to engage in possibilities, to intervene, to seek help. We are glad for the many positive steps that have shed light on this difficult and painful subject.
Even so, we are often left to struggle with the unanswerable question: why? For some, there have been struggles, abuses, addictions, mental health problems that have persisted across many years…still, why? Why now? For others, everything seemed fine, there were no signs, no hints, no clues that something was deeply wrong. Why? We wrestle to find meaning — a relationship ended, a job ended, he fell off the wagon, she failed a class … but many people experience the end of relationships, and jobs. Many people relapse, many people fail a class and live. Why?
And since we cannot answer the why, we begin the ‘if onlys’. If only I had called, if only there had been a bed at the treatment facility, if only we hadn’t fought, if only I had known, if only, if only, if only.
There is pain. That’s really all we know. It hurts us that someone we knew, someone we loved, someone we worked with, or sat to dinner with, or played softball with was in such deep pain, and we didn’t know how to help or that we didn’t even know. How could we not know? How could we have done something, anything, differently? Why? If only…
As a pastor, I believe we have been given a tremendous gift for exactly this pain. It is the gift of forgiveness. It may not be easy to clear away the confusion, the hurt, the bitterness, the anger … allow it to break through. Forgive. Breathe deeply, and forgive. Forgive the one who died. Forgive the ones who are part of the ‘if onlys.’ Forgive yourself. Forgiveness speaks to the pain. Forgiveness wrestles with the pain. Forgiveness can release the pain. Forgiveness moves us from pain to peace … maybe not right away, but it will help you along the path.
As a member of the Juneau Suicide Prevention Coalition, I know we have tremendous community resources that work to prevent this pain. The Careline is a confidential crisis line anyone can call for help, including those who might be in imminent danger and/or know a friend or family member who is struggling and needs support in how to help them. The Careline number is (877) 266-4357 (HELP) or you can text 4help to 839863 from 3-11 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday. You may access a variety of supports, training and resources at our websites (juneausuicideprevention.org and juneaumentalhealth.org).
I wish you peace. I wish you life.
• Sue Bahleda is the pastor of Resurrection Lutheran Church.
