This past weekend I heard two disturbing and tragic national news stories.
In one, a man walked onto a dance floor at a Seattle area casino and opened fire on his estranged wife and her companion, injuring seven people, police said. In the other, a man opened fire at a Texas roller skating rink during a birthday party for one of his children, killing his estranged wife and four of her family members before turning the gun on himself, police said.
The police released this statement, “The couple had been involved in ongoing marital problems and it is believed that this led to the shooting.”
We hear these news stories, and it’s important to me that people understand what domestic violence is about: how and why this happens. Is it about marital problems? Do the men just flip out or lose control? I’ve been working to end violence against women for over 25 years, and I have learned from the women seeking safety.
I don’t believe this is about marital problems— many people have intense marital problems that don’t manifest violently. I don’t believe this is about “flipping out” or “losing control,” as if the men are not responsible for their actions; how can they be out of control when they are making choices every step of the way? These men were in control when they got their guns and loaded them. They were in control when they left their homes and got into their cars, drove to specific locations — the casino, the roller skating rink — and chose where to park. They were in control when they got out of their vehicles and chose to walk in with their loaded guns; they were in control when they aimed their weapons and chose to shoot their estranged partners and others.
This is about a cascade of personal choices the men made, where at any point they might have made other choices. The only thing the men did not have control of was their estranged wives. They were estranged — alienated — my hunch is, because of his use of abusive power and multiple tactics to diminish her autonomy, her sense of self, her freedom. Domestic violence is not about marital problems or about losing control of yourself. Domestic violence is about one partner believing they have the right to exert power over another, to usurp another’s autonomy, to express “love” as ownership.
And in these cases, when the women tried to empower themselves, the men believed and/or felt they had the right to walk into public places and decide who lives and who dies, for all the world to see. Most often in Juneau, we don’t experience such blatant tragic consequences of domestic violence. Yet every day at AWARE, we welcome women into our safe shelter so that they and their children can have some reprieve from the abusive atmospheres created by an abusive partner in their homes. We don’t tell women what to do or how to do it — she’s already lived that experience and that’s what she’s trying to escape. We offer another way of being, of living, where her choices are respected. We listen with the goal of understanding, and work to provide options for her to make informed choices suited to her life.
I wonder if these tragedies could have been prevented, and how. I wonder about the emotional trauma and damage inflicted on the patrons at the casino, on the 30 children and adults attending the child’s birthday party, on the families and friends of the men, women, and children who were present. We all feel the aftershocks of domestic violence, even when we think we don’t know anyone who creates an environment of control and fear in their home, or that we don’t know a woman or child who lives in an environment of fear in their own homes.
How can we make a difference? Marital problems and stressful situations are part of life’s challenges. They do not cause domestic violence. Each of us must take responsibility and be accountable for our choices; we must ask if our choices are respectful of ourselves and of others. And if they are, then we may find that we like ourselves and that our relationships are healthier; and if we’re unsure or if our choices are not respectful or if they diminish ourselves or another, then we must challenge ourselves to find a solution, including asking for help.
If you would like to learn more, or if you are in an abusive relationship and would like advocacy/support, please contact AWARE at 586-6623 or 800-478-1090. Services are free and confidential.
• Tabachnick is Executive Director of Aiding Women in Abuse & Rape Emergencies (AWARE), Inc.
Comments (11)
Add commentSexist article.
It would be nice if this issue became gender neutral and people tried to help ALL victims of domestic violence, not just the women.
@froward
I agree with you completely I have been saying for years now that men are also the victims of domestic violence and need a safe place to go when abused. Pleople lways think that men are the abusors when there are als just as many if not more women that are the abusors. The problem is that it is NOt reported because of the male ego
Agree
Regardless of whetherthe majority of abuse is initiated from one sex or another this is a sexist piece that ignores the plight of male victims of domestic violence. Unfortunately the prevailing attitude of victim advocates seems to presume the male victim deserved it. How sad to turn a serious problem into a discriminatory mind set.
Story from today;
A woman allegedly beat her boyfriend to death with the spiked heel of a stiletto shoe.
Thelma Carter, 46, struck her live-in boyfriend Robert Higdon, 58, with the shoe at their trailer park home in Augusta, Georgia, police said.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2021420/Death-stiletto-Woman-kil...
Thank you Saralyn
I find it interesting when people state their strongly held beliefs behind the cloak of anonymity while commenting on items in the paper. My name is Richard Cole. I would like it clear that I take responsibility for my comments when I thank Saralyn for her article. Her writing is based on national statistics and years of experience that overwhelmingly reflect that the vast majority of domestic violence is perpetrated by men. Let's be real clear; while people of both genders have committed acts of violence, men hurt or kill their partners far far more often. The anonymous comments above reflect a society that continues to look the other way. It is time for us to take responsibility for a problem that touches all of us. I would like to thank Saralyn and all of the women at AWARE for their commitment to providing a safe place for women and for shining a light on a problem that is clearly still misunderstood by many in our community.
Are you insane?!
Saying that "Pleople lways think that men are the abusors when there are als just as many if not more women that are the abusors" is a complete sociological and historical fallacy. I'm all for gender equality, but it's just the truth that more women are victims of domestic violence than men. The inequality in the statistics is due to historical structures of inequality. Women were the property of men in Western society for literally thousands of years.
If you google this and try to look for statistics, you'll be met by a virtual cornucopia of scholarly findings. The rates of abuse by men range from 95% of domestic violence cases to 25% of domestic violence cases. I should note, however, that the study that showed 25% was broken down like this:
Domestic violence aggressors:
25% Men
25% Women
50% Mutual brawling
So even in the most gender-equal study, women still don't surpass men as the most likely aggressor.
The National Institute of Justice has stated that all of the studies that show women to be equal to men in domestic violence aggression don't account for violence against children and only count gender. In those studies, if a woman were to hit her 7 year old boy, she would be counted as a domestic violence aggressor against a male. Violence by men against women and violence by women against children are NOT the same thing (though I'm not saying one is any better than the other). Society has to deal with them in very different ways. This article was about marital problems, so I assume that when you claimed that women were just as violent against men as men were against women (or maybe even more violent), you weren't including children in your reasoning.
Studies that control for age show a HUGE difference between men and women as aggressors of domestic violence. The United States Department of Justice surveyed 16,000 Americans and found that 22.1% of women had been physically abused by a current or former spouse, significant other, or date versus just 7.4% of men. Since, on average, more men identify as homosexual than women, it's likely that the trend of men being the aggressors in domestic violence holds true even when we take same-sex relationships into account.
thank you smoke....
I thought the comments were going in a pretty disturbing direction.....
I'll bring the comments back, Swimmer
This is a sexist article, plain and simple! Men are abused also.
Ever try to go to the AWARE shelter as an abused man? I haven't, but I know three guys who have (or tried). They told me that they were either turned away at the door or treated inside the shelter as if they were really the abuser and got evil looks and almost no help from the women inside.
Don't get me wrong.....I know that domestic violence is a serious problem. And the AWARE shelter does some fantastic work and has helped countless women break from abusive relationships and rebuild their lives. But don't make it sound like men are the only abusers. When a sexist opinion like this appears in my local paper, I must comment. Abuse goes both ways, this article should have been gender-neutral!
Typical comments from folks who consistently turn a blind eye...
AWARE stands for Aiding Women and Children in Abuse and Rape Emergencies.....all of the comments about men being victims, too, well sometimes that does happen although it is rare. I think all of the complainers saying the article is sexist should get together, write a grant, and create a place for abused men to go. Instead of complaining, DO something about it if you feel it is such a huge issue!!
Get off your lofty perch fellas!
Sure, domestic violence occurs with women as the abusers. The massive majority of domestic violence in relationships is perpetrated by the male. Don't discount the tragic truth in the piece written by Ms. Tabachnick. Don't pick out the minor point and whine about it, while you miss the big point. Domestic violence is committed mainly by males, by a huge margin. Part of this problem that MEN mainly have, I believe is due to their obsolete ideas about marriage and ownership of another person. Our children need to be taught relationship skills from pre-school on through graduation from college. I don't have all the answers, but you who wish to dismiss the article becasue it doesn't address female upon male violence are completely missing the forest because a couple trees are blocking your vision.
Emotional battery on a man
The prevalent attitude of people like the author – that domestic violence victims are always women, and abusers always men – is one of at least two reasons why men with an abusive spouse/significant other don't talk about it. Either one is not believed that all, or is accused of being the actual batterer, trying to deflect blame. We're looked down upon, by ourselves and by society. We're subjected to the John Wayne mentality that says, "A man's supposed to be able to stand up to a woman, dammit!" We're wimpy, we're weak, we're less than men. When one is already feeling oppressed and powerless, subjecting oneself to that social stigma is almost intolerable.
And, then, there are DV survivors like me. Facing the prevailing attitude toward all victims… but particularly toward male victims… that it isn't domestic violence if the victim isn't being slapped, hit, beaten, kicked, stabbed, run over, or shot. The concept of emotional battery is dismissed by many, and discounted by even more. If there are no scars, no blood, no sutures, it's no big deal.
It is often exceptionally difficult to explain that persistent, pervasive emotional attacks and abuse can't be shoved aside, should just "bounce off." They gradually eat away at the spirit, scar the soul, and destroy any vestige of self-respect. And they certainly rip apart the strength of will to simply pack a suitcase and walk away. No, too often the solution is to sit there and take it; to hide out in the garage, or the workshop, or the computer room, praying to be left alone. And for a lot of men (and women, in my experience), there is also the solution that comes in a bottle, or a pill, or the like. Just get drunk or loaded enough, often enough, and it doesn't hurt so much; unfortunately, as it turns out, drinking and getting high only works at first, and then it starts making things feel worse, which requires more drinking and getting loaded. And that is the road to one of three destinations – sobered up, locked up, or covered up.
In one of the Robin Hood movies, Prince John keeps declaring that "I'm going to cut his heart out with a spoon!" Finally, somebody asked him, "Why a spoon?" The answer: "Because it will hurt more!"
Emotional battery is repeated stabbing with an invisible spoon. And the attitude that men aren't victims is just sticking the spoon in and twisting it. I thank the author for giving the spoon a good hard turn.
[Note: In spite of its name, the Domestic Abuse Women's Network (DAWN) understands that victims can be of either sex, and that domestic violence isn't always physical. In the course of the volunteer work I do, I have occasionally dealt with DAWN. I am consistently impressed and reassured by their instant willingness to help a DV victim get to safety, and an absolute dedication to protecting the confidentiality of any woman or man who turns to that fine organization for help. I wish I would've done.]
Anonymity
Richard Cole made a snide remark about hiding behind anonymity. So let me be real clear: I am protected by a no contact order that my ex-wife doesn't seem to believe applies to her. I get far more protection from the fact that my ex-wife does not know where I live, or what my current phone number is. Anonymity is the only reason I can feel safe making a public remark about this.