Author’s note: The following column is inspired by true events. That means about the same thing it does in Hollywood: there’s about 1 percent truthfulness and 99 percent embellishment and falsehood. Please don’t try to figure out who or where I’m talking about. The most likely answer will be no one and nowhere.
I could tell by the look on her face that she was ready to fire the first salvo in this year’s battle, which is part of the perennial War on Christmas.
Sure, she was smiling and polite as she rang up my basket full of gifts that I had to get shipped Down South ASAP. But the change in the in-store music from light pop to barely-recognizable versions of Christmas carols, and the fact she had on a red Santa hat — or is it an elf hat? I can never remember, but I know I need to find mine for the coming Christmas parties — tipped her hand well before she printed my receipt and opened her mouth.
“Happy Holidays,” she said.
I fought back the urge to correct her. Are the words “Merry Christmas” really that hard? I know, not everyone is big into the Christmas thing, but why do I have to bear the brunt of that change? After all, we had that one family in my hometown that didn’t celebrate Christmas or go on egg hunts at Easter, but the town never changed. The family kept its thoughts to themselves, and everyone was happy (At least I think they were. I never really knew anyone in that family, and they never complained). I felt safe and secure believing what I held important was held important by nearly everyone, and anyone who didn’t agree had the decency to keep quiet.
Now, not so much. I really didn’t blame the lady who rang me up. She was certainly doing what her bosses asked, and they, in turn, were simply acting on the mandates sent down from some soulless corporate entity, probably the result of some lawsuit or government edict.
But, really, who do they think they’re fooling? The buzzword they use is “inclusiveness,” but we all know that really means pandering to the weirdo that doesn’t see things they way the rest of us see it. What holidays are there besides Christmas and New Year’s, and what was so hard about switching from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy New Year’s” from Dec. 26 to Jan. 1? I know, I know, Advent. But Advent’s like what, a month? And no one really knows what all those days are except those five folks at the church who are always trying to recruit me to some cause or another. As I hustled out of the store, my mood just a bit darker than it was when the day began, I saw the man from the Salvation Army banging away at his bell. Man, it seems every time I turn around this month, someone’s asking for some donation to something or another. Who has time during the Christmas rush to stop every 50 feet to toss a quarter into this, that or the other thing? Besides, who carries cash these days?
Anyway, ahead of me in the dash to get through the sliding double doors was a man in a yarmulke. I can’t remember what day of the week is the Jewish “big day,” but I was pretty sure Wednesday wasn’t it. Why would anyone wear one of those things out unless he had to?
The man in the yarmulke stopped (forcing every one else to walk around him, by the way) and tossed a few coins into the red kettle. The man with the bell stopped his ringing long enough to offer a cheery “Merry Christmas” to the Jewish man, forcing me to freeze in horror. Oh boy. Here it comes. A full-throated, double-barreled blast of indignation that will begin with a retelling of the history of the Israelites and end with calls to supervisors and demands for apologies and restitution. That’s how we got in this whole “Happy Holidays” mess to begin with.
As he opened his mouth, I cringed, not knowing what sort of invective would pour out, but knowing it would be ugly.
“Thanks,” the man in the yarmulke said. “You, too.”
• Ward is the deputy managing editor of the Juneau Empire. The views he expresses here are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of the Empire’s editorial board. His column will return Jan. 10, 2012.
Comments (58)
Add commentThat's an awful lot of words...
Just to get to stoopid...
I dunno, Charles
This one almost had me longing for another Slack Jawed column.
Lighten up:
Lighten up guys. It wasn’t that bad. Merry Christmas to ya.
And happy holidays to you
Milspec
oh yeah
Merry Christmas. But it is a lame editorial all-in-all.
This editorial is satirical .
This editorial is satirical . He's making fun of the idea that there's something wrong with saying "happy holidays" because there's not, and taking offense to it is probably one of the top 10 stupidest Fox News "controversies" of the last decade.
I mean, read it. For one, it's essentially antithesis to what Christmas is about (he's shop-shop-shopping, resents the Salvation Army workers, is irritated by other cultures) yet his chief concern is people not saying "Merry Christmas." This is irony, and it's how most of the idiots who want "traditional" Christmas values to prevail think (because shopping and ragging on your fellow man is totally how baby Jesus wants us to act).
And two, in the second paragraph he explains the real reason these people think this way: it has NOTHING TO DO with Christmas or religion and everything to do with having an insular peer group that thinks and feels the same way as you so you can feel safe and secure.
And of course the very last line shows that it's not a huge deal, really. It's insignificant.
Definitely better...
...than Slack Jawed. Did it occur to anyone else that "Happy Holidays" has one more syllable than "Merry Christmas"? Not to mention that this generic term could be used in referrence to any number of 'holy days' that may be offensive to someone who doesn't consider the day holy. How do you greet folks on the Rez on Columbus Day? It is a federal holiday. If a man esteems one day above another or esteems every day the same, let him! In the effort to be "inclusive" how many are being excluded, even with the extra syllable? Athiests have no holy days. Muslims don't esteem Christmas. How do you greet those folks? "Happy Crappy Days"? Or "Merry Crapmess"? I guess you could use a few more syllables and say "Have a Wonderful December Twenty Fifth".
Have a Merry Christmas whether you celebrate it or not!
.
I thought
It was well written, and illustrated the author's point well.
There are many different cultures and creeds represented in our town and our nation.
Happy Holidays to ALL of us.
@skirkz: holiday stems from
@skirkz: holiday stems from "holy day," but that's not what it means anymore. Arbor day isn't a holy day any more than Talk like a Pirate Day is. In Britain, "holiday" and "vacation" mean the same thing.
So saying "happy holidays" is not exclusive. Atheists don't have "holy days," but they do have holidays. Muslims don't have Christmas, but they do have their own New Year. This is the point of saying "happy holidays"--it covers everyone. Imagine everyone you ran into said, "Happy Kwanzaa!" It would grate on you after a while to have everyone assume you celebrate a holiday or belong to a faith that you don't.
It seems like you think the only holiday during this time of year is Christmas, and it's that kind of absolute cultural ignorance that is the problem.
We were promised an
We were promised an offensive, and lo and behold, this editorial delivered.
Oh, so he was just
Oh, so he was just reinforcing the progressive's denegration of our culture through satire? Cool...
Here I thought Charles might have seen the light and was truly missing the good ole days when saying Merry Christmas didn't carry so much baggage.
Now I'm sad.
Happy Boxing Day!
There you go presuming again, PP. I personally hate Christmas. I'm one of those people who esteem every day the same. But I'm not going to humbug everyone who esteems one day above another. Although I really like Thanksgiving Day because it lands in the middle of the week EVERY year. Absolute cultural ignorance? Wrong again! (By the way, Boxing Day is December 26.)
Your harping on about
Your harping on about December 25th shows cultural ignorance. "Happy Holidays" is not another way of saying "Merry Christmas," it's a way of saying "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hannukah," "Happy Kwanzaa," "Happy (sad?) Ashura," and every other holiday it may apply to rolled into one phrase. That is the point.
And really, it doesn't matter. What does matter is when certain individuals become malicious in their Christmas merriment.
"What does matter is when
"What does matter is when certain individuals become malicious in their Christmas merriment."
Please tell me you're kidding, p? And you'd be the first to whine - 'why can't we all just get along?' That's some tolerance, right there.
Is there really any hope for America when we're up against this kind of thought?
Calypso
You, for example--the kind of idiotbox proselytizer of the evils of multiculturalism--would turn a simple holiday greeting into a culture-war WMD to be used against us heathen nonbelievers, and then dare to take offense when we call out your impropriety.
So I don't know where you get the idea to use Christmas as a weapon from, Calypso. Who puts those notions and angry and combative thoughts in your head? Could it be... Satan?
Aye, Calypso!
I just thought I'd let malicious comments take care of themselves. I certainly won't be celebrating Go Caroling Day today. But, I have festivities planned for tomorrow's Humbug Day with recognition of Forefather's Day, National Flashlight Day and Look On The Bright Side Day on the 21st as well. Though I don't necessarily celebrate National Fruitcake Day on the 27th (as it will keep until any other day and gets in the way of Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day activities) I will recognize it in honor of "certain individuals". Of course I will observe Pepper Pot Day on the 29th followed by National Bicarbonate Of Soda day on the 30th. And may all your holy days in between be filled with joy and blessings!
There's a day for baking
There's a day for baking soda? That sounds like a holiday we can all get behind.
Communication expressing good will towards another
When one person meets another and wishes them well, they may do so in many ways. In the US, I often hear and say, "Good morning," or in Japan "Ohiyo Gozaimasu" (meaning it is early), in Norway one hears "Mo du har un gledeli jule " ( which I know is not exactly how it should be written) and means, "May you have a happy yule season" (beginning of a new year)
In communication there is a sender and a receiver. To me, if a sender wishes me well from their point of view, their belief system, in their language, the real message is "I wish you well."
The receiver may not always agree with the beliefs, or understand the language of the sender, but that doesn't destroy the basic message of "I wish you well."
With that, to my friends in Hawaii "Mela Kalikimaka"!! Be happy in this season of the year.
A compromise in greetings?
In the past, more than two hundred years ago, Native people along the Northwest Coast, including Southeastern Alaska, had a common greeting. When newcomers arrived, when they saw someone coming towards them not knowing if they were friends or enemies, they tossed white feathers in the air, or waved something white. It meant " We are here or are coming in peace, please accept us."
This was a symbol across linguistic and cultural boundaries.
Today, we don't seem to have that kind of symbol. And so we say "good morning", "happy birthday," "Merry Christmas," "Happy New Year," and thousands of other forms of greeting to express the ideas of "welcome," "may it go well with you," "let us meet in peace and share."
What one says, the language in which they say it, the way they say it is all secondary to the message that people try to share " We wish you well, please accept us."
Now calm down PP...
I can tell you're getting worked up when you start stating the obvious with things like: "idiot box proselytizer of the evils of multi-culturalism" when speaking of Calypso (albeit I DID snort with laughter:). Be that as it may, the piece, and resulting blogs DO raise the question of why it is that many Christians believe they own the "holiday season".
My answer would be that it is very difficult dealing with a group that believes that if you don't believe the same way they do, you are condemned to an eternity of "hell" (which, surprisingly, isn't on Earth), which amounts to total separation from God and the Righteous (which, predictably, are the "Christians").
Of course, Islam is hardly better when it comes to "Our way or the Highway!".
I guess my point is, like the yarmulke fella, I don't mind receiving or giving the "Merry Christmas" greeting, OR the "Happy Holiidays" greeting, and would hope that others would be similarly unoffended.
Besides, I prefer that "Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men" thing to the "Yer gonna burn" thing...
Calypso - I'm curous.....
What is your mental picture of "our culture" as you put it? Please describe.
wolfmagic - well said - - - I also thought - "PP, take a breath!" :)
Doing my part...
...for the war on xmas.
I went to Safeway the other day to buy some Atheist groceries and was greeted by the Salvation Army bell ringer who was a very nice, friendly appearing person. It's an xmas tradition, and a most annoying one. While I commend dude for standing there and ringing an annoying bell for hours, this tradition needs to die. He wished me Merry Christmas. I walked by and ignored him.
And two seconds after that, I was greeted by a table from some Seventh Day Adventist Church. They were selling xmas wreaths. An overenthusiastic woman opens her arms wide to me, shoots me a huge smile and exclaims, "YOU need a CHRISTMAS WREATH for your DOOR!!!!!!!!!"
No, no I don't. I need less solicitation. Please don't assume.
I ignore her and peruse the artisan bread section. But my shopping experience was dulled because all I could hear was the annoying bell ringing all through the part of this store because their sliding glass doors rarely close.
I decide I need some lunch and get a panini. I sit down in their seating section, and all I hear is the drone from that bell. The ringing doesn't stop. It was like eating around a toddler who is banging on his very favorite noisy toy while you are trying to eat.
Finally, I get into the bowels of the store when I hear loud annoying xmas music playing on the muzac. Every single song was about xmas. We hear it ad nauseam for 30 days beginning the day after Thanksgiving. We can't escape it. It is everywhere. Songs like Rudolph, Frosty, I saw mommy kissing santa, and all that nauseating children's music made me want to barf my panini. Being forced to listen to children's music for that long is torture. If I wanted to hear kids music, I'd go to a daycare. Xmas music does more to dull my shopping experience than a droning bell sound.
I am drenched in the stench of the "spirit" of the xmas season, when all I wanted to do was buy some groceries. I was solicited for some xmas related thing twice, even prior to stepping into the store. Then once in the store, I was tortured with the same xmas music that is played everywhere all the time every year.
Finally, I get to the checkout and the friendly bagger dude said, "Happy Holidays."
I finally smile. "You too!" I exclaim. Had he wished me a merry xmas, I might have pulled my hair out.
Thank you dude, for not saturating me any further with the endless xmas madness.
And if I don't know you, and if you assume I share your excitement of this season and wish me a Merry Christmas, I will immediately return it with...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
...simply as a statement that I don't share your views, and it is rude of you to presume that I do, or to presume that I need a Christmas wreath for my door, and that I am doing my part for the war on xmas.
Bah. Humbug.
Joe...
You crack me up BIGTIME! :-) Dude, I think you need to get ___d. Maybe THEN you'd be more cheerful! Just sayin. Hope your Holidays are Happier!
The irony is that Christmas
The irony is that Christmas was originally a pagan holiday. If anyone "owns" the holiday season its those free-love polytheists/animists who were slaughtered and converted by early Christians/Muslims.
I think wolfmagic is onto something. The holidays would be a LOT more cheerful if there was more of that pagan orgy ethic.
From my life experience
I grew up, spent much of my life in a very Roman Catholic way of life. We certainly weren't "Protestants", but there was always one group that my father admired and supported. It was the Salvation Army. It wasn't that he believed for followed their religion or theology. It was because when he served in the army in France in WW I, he told how other so called beneficial agencies were "back of the front lines" selling things, the Salvation Army folks were up front, giving all they could to those fighting men. One of my colleagues in graduate school had a grant to study "disasters" and came up with the conclusion that the first and best respondents to a disaster was the Salvation Army.
I personally don't accept the theology or doctrines of the Salvation Army, but that to me is secondary. What is most important to me is that they seem to be doing the very thing that Jesus and Christians have taught - love and help your neighbor as best you can. That is why I continue to support the Salvation Army and the St. Vincent de Paul Society - it is not what they believe, it is because what they do for others.
Now there's the PP...
I don't know, but love! Keep up the sharp wit sistah! It's COLD out there! Somebody's gotta heat things up!
"All you need is Love, Love...
...Love is all you need." Lennon/McCartney
"Hey, a little lovin goes a long way baby - puts a song in yer heart and a spring in yer step - so let's get busy!" guess who
I'm a guy.
I'm a guy.
No kiddin! - Well, at least (being a guy) you have a brain!
Merry Christmas Dude!
Pretty pathetic that after
Pretty pathetic that after the name calling and rude remarks towards those that you disagree with, you slide on into the sexual portion of your little posting party. Yeah, I'm talking to you p (or is it sistah!!) and wolf. I also find it curious and not so surprising that you're both a couple of 20 something year olds with no life experience or wisdom. Spare the rest of us with your foolish postings, unless you have something of substance to add.