My best teachers are often the people who come to AWARE for services. I’ll never forget the first time I met with a mother I will call Arlene, stunned to learn from her daughter that the child’s father was molesting her. As she took this in, I witnessed her world crash down on her before my very eyes. She seemed to be in a state of shock. This was her husband, whom she loved and with whom she had created what she perceived to be a safe and loving home. He was not the man she thought he was. Yet, this mother didn’t hesitate for a moment — she contacted AWARE, the police department, child protective services and other personal supports. Her first concern was for her daughter’s immediate and long-term safety. She wanted her husband out of the home and in jail. For her, the marriage was over. The fact that she was now singularly responsible for putting food on the table, paying the mortgage, credit cards, health insurance coverage and more, was small compared to her responsibility to help her daughter heal and feel safe. With the knowledge that her daughter was being sexually abused by the man whose job it was to keep her safe, her world had shifted profoundly.
Arlene’s response to her daughter’s abuse is what we like to expect from victims, based on stories we hear in the media and in movies. It sounds like what a “good” mother would do. However, reality is often more complex. While I understand the response of mothers like Arlene, I also understand the response of mothers, and others, unlike Arlene. It’s difficult for people to believe a person whom they love or care about, with whom they socialize, work or pray, could intentionally harm a child. Worlds turn upside down. Some of the same issues the child is dealing with — safety, trust, betrayal, loss, grief — become our issues as well. It’s overwhelming. When it’s real, not just a story you’ve heard, it can feel so complicated — less clear-cut.
We watch people who choose sides, who come to the defense of the person who molested the child. “It’s he said, she said.” “You don’t know the whole story.” “He would never do something like that.” “This could ruin his life.” When people rally round the offender, everyone — the victim, the victim’s family, the offender — gets the message that it’s the offender who is being victimized. It’s difficult to promote healing for victims, abusers, and communities when we retreat to protecting offenders, and protecting ourselves from the painful reality of sexual assault.
We can all contribute to healing for the victim, particularly if we can be present and listen with understanding and compassion. If it’s too painful to listen, we can at least say, “I’m sorry this happened to you.” “You didn’t do anything wrong.” “You deserve to be safe.”
We can all contribute to healing for the offender. We call this accountability. Healing for the offender begins when he admits his crime, apologizes, and asks for our support so that he doesn’t offend again. In this, his integrity is somewhat resuscitated despite the harm he has caused. Accountability is not about making excuses or letting someone off easy because we know his family or he goes to our church, because he’s charming or good looking or tall, because he’s Caucasian or has a good job or is a really nice guy, because we don’t believe he could intentionally harm another person, because it must’ve been a misunderstanding, because, because, because… Accountability is us taking responsibility to encourage and inspire the offender into taking responsibility for his actions and behaviors.
You might be thinking — what if I genuinely believe that it might not be true? What if I don’t support his accountability because I really don’t know if he’s guilty of doing this terrible thing? For most of us, we don’t have to investigate or decide beyond a reasonable doubt innocence or guilt. But we do have a job — we have to understand that what we say influences everyone around us — victim, perpetrator, family, community — and our words carry weight. Our words carry weight as individuals, agencies and institutions. We need to say things we know to be true and healing, “Children deserve to be safe.” “I find it difficult to believe you did this, and if you did, I hope you’ll take responsibility for it.” “Purposely harming the people you love is unacceptable.” All children should be believed when they ask for help. It’s my job, and all our jobs, to be there when they need us.
From a place of love, Arlene chose to believe, support and protect her child, report the abuse and hold the offender accountable, and adapt to her new reality. When we as individuals, systems and communities support victims and hold offenders accountable for their words and actions, we are supporting all on a tremendous healing path. If we truly want to support the offenders and the victims, if we truly want to prevent the violence that is preventable in our communities, we must face the abused and the abuser squarely, but only after we face ourselves and reflect on our part in both perpetuating and ending violence.
If you or someone you know is need of safety or support, please contact Aiding Women in Abuse & Rape Emergencies (AWARE) at 586-1090 or 1-800-478-1090.
• Saralyn Tabachnick is Executive Director at AWARE, where she has worked since 1987.
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