Today, I’m offering you the chance to make the woods of North America safe again! Before I delve too deep into my pitch, I want to say I’m a huge fan of your bear deterrent products. I spend a lot of time in bear country and carrying your spray makes me feel like I might get a hall pass from being on nature’s menu.
I’m no bearpert (bear expert) but I’d be glad to provide a testimony to the effectiveness of your product as I’ve sprayed myself twice and had a can explode and blow out the back of a friend’s car windshield. In fact, during one spraying it hurt so bad I no longer even cared about the demonic squirrel that was messing with me! I think my rolling around on the ground and high pitch shrieking scared the bejesus out of that rabid rodent.
Bears, however, as I recently learned from a woman in a crystal shop in the Southwest, are small peanuts compared to a much more dangerous creature prowling the woods. When I told her I was from Alaska and enjoyed camping, she shook her head with concern.
“I used to love camping too, but it’s no longer safe,” she said, then beckoned me closer and whispered.
“Between 400,000 to 500,000 people, mostly campers, have gone missing in the National Parks. And do you know what caused it?”
“Bigfoot,” she said.
“Can you please say Sasquatch,” I asked. “It’s more politically correct.”
“Right. Okay. It’s a big cover-up in the National Parks. They don’t want it to get out that Big…I mean Sasquatch is eating tourists because they’ll lose funding.”
“Someone needs to do something!”
“At this point, I think all we can try to do is educate the public,” the woman whispered ominously.
“People will never listen. They’re not as rational as you and I,” I said, before buying a few crystals and walking away feeling helpless and depressed.
Counter Assault, this is where you come in. This is where you have to decide whether you’re Braveheart or one of those jelly-spined Scottish nobles that only care about their own self-interests. Add me to your team, consult a team of Squatchperts (Sasquatch experts) and create a can of spray so powerful it’ll take this forest monster. You can’t in good conscience stand by and do nothing.
Naturally, we’ll call it Squatch Spray. My proposal is to combine the extract of the hottest and most tasty peppers in the world and put them into a can twice the size of normal bear spray and slap a Sasquatch sticker on it. Squatch Spray could double as seasoning for barbecue. We could create different flavors. One would be for steak. Another for spicy buffalo wings. We could do a vegan option that would go well with vegetables and hummus. Just think, a counter spray that will save your life and season your food. It’s a win-win.
Also, I hypothesize that Squatch Spray will turn Sasquatches off from eating human flesh. Once the creature realizes how much better grass, bushes and rocks taste with a little Squatch Spray spice, the National Parks will be safe again.
I don’t mean to sound superficial, but think how rich we’ll become! When the National Park/Sasquatch eating campers conspiracy is finally exposed, everyone and their grandmas are going to be rushing to outdoor stores to pick up multiple cans of Squatch Spray. We could probably sell it in a six pack. Then there’s all the paraphernalia that we can sell along side it: Squatch Spray hats, jackets, crystals, etc. We’ll have free advertising because reality television shows that have anything to do with the outdoors will be all about it. The Park Service will make it mandatory that every visitor who steps off the beaten path will have to carry Squatch Spray.
Before two shakes of a squatch tail we’ll be able to retire, buy a giant compound on a beach in Mexico, play volleyball and drink beer all day with reformed Sasquatches and create a new religion. I have some ideas I’ll be happy to tell you more about if you write back.
• Bjorn Dihle is a Juneau writer. Check out the preview of his first book, “Haunted Inside Passage,” and follow him at www.facebook.com/BjornDihleauthor.