I have had it!

No more!

I am making some changes in my lifestyle, baby.

Things are going to be different from here on out.

I am making some New Year’s Resolutions and by God (and Nike), I am sticking to them.

First of all, see those two dudes running over to the right of this column?

I resolve to be more like them!

I am going to train daily ... okay, every other day ... all right, at least weekly.

I will train weekly ... well, work out... okay, exercise.

I am going to exercise weekly.

Wait a minute.

The last time I told my athletic guru I wanted to work out daily it was misunderstood as I wanted my workout to be a day in duration. Weekly would kill me, and I have the peers who like to go out for weeklies.

Let me think about this exercise thing.

Hmmm, weight of camera, hardness of gym floor, lack of direct outdoor light. I guess that could be considered a wee bit of exercise.

I resolve that I will don apparel that is considered actual sport-specific by my peers, be it mono-filled-fiber something-or-other or good-old wool baggy socks.

No more of my peers saying I wear old school, stylish hand-me-downs mixed with Swedish goodwill trapper bargains.

Okay, I resolve that at least one article of clothing will be sport-specific — and it could be a sock — for the particular thingy-doohickey I am attempting to lift, climb onto or strap into for a duration substantially less than a day.

I resolve to actually wash my eating utensils and my athletic essentials in SEPARATE loads, err, sinks ... metals, aluminum and glass in one; aforementioned woolens, fibers and trapper wear in another.

No more using the scenty lemons of Ivory as a clothes softener.

No more standing wearable clothes in the corner while they await cleansing, either. If clothes can’t walk to the bath, they will be escorted.

Wait, I resolve that wearing clothes in the shower is appropriate if I am attempting cleaning.

I resolve to quit calling JDHS junior Adam Empson a “senior,” and for that matter all high school athletes will have correct classifications ... well, the juniors will ... okay, Adam Empson will be classified correctly.

I resolve to no longer spell TMHS junior Siosi TUPOU’s name wrong, even if her shooting shirt says differently. Wait, did I just misspell it again? Can I buy another vowel?

I resolve to give up junk food.

Since one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, I am still doing some scientific and gastronomic experiments and investigations into a large portion of my pantry, refrigerator and freezer.

I have already determined that I am not mature enough to use the fresh meat hanging racks near the outhouse and the Lutefisk pit near the septic tank ... making progress.

So basically I need to figure out if a vending machine counts as a whole food in my chart or as individual portions.

I resolve to abolish the act of reappropriating my adventure buddies’ empty energy gel packets as containers for my own concoctions of peanut butter, jelly and ketchup.

Wait, wait: ketchup is okay, I grant myself a ketchup waiver. Over-sweetened red veggie paste?!!! Are you kidding me?!!! Who would not want that pulled from their hikers’ fanny pack while 20 miles along a goat ridge?

I resolve to not use the term “fanny pack” ever again.

Oh, DRAT! Failed that one already.

I resolve to not make unrealistic resolutions.

Things like washing and eating, for instance. Those will take time.

Sooooooooo, I resolve to make some changes in my lifestyle:

Wool socks one day, long johns the next.

Happy New Year!


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