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Pure Sole: Wake Up

Posted: April 1, 2014 - 12:06am

By now you have all probably heard the news.

What?

If you haven’t then you must have been working the night shift, with your cell phone off and the TV in the break room on lock down.

The sports world went through a number of shocking announcements late last night.

The biggest, however, involves college basketball.

And guess what? It does not involve players unionizing.

It appears that only three of the five freshmen scheduled to start for Kentucky against Wisconsin in the Final Four on Saturday passed their ACT’s prior to the start of this season.

The oversight was not brought to the attention of the NCAA.

Until now.

According to sources familiar with the situation, NCAA president Mark Emmert has been in meetings throughout last night into this morning.

“No matter the size of our stadiums, the number of scholarships we offer or the number of zeros in our bottom line, we share the same goal: to promote student-athlete success in the classroom, on the field and in life,” Emmert posted on the NCAA website. “Decisions that support that goal align us with the mission of higher education. The system failed these young men today and heads will roll faster than… well, they are rolling right now.”

Kentucky must forfeit each win the two noncompliant freshmen played in. Those names have not been released yet but sources have intimated them to be forward Julius Randle and guard Aaron Harrison, both single handedly willed the Wildcats to their last win in the Elite Eight.

As we speak the Wildcats (0-38) will not be playing in the NCAA’s Final Four in Arlington, Tex.

The final team to fall prey to UK will be the Midwest Regional champion and play on April 5 at AT&T Stadium at North Texas.

That would be the Michigan Wolverines, or at least a portion of the team.

“We went to Vegas after our loss to Kentucky,” the Michigan coach said.

“We currently have five players who made a bad decision and are ineligible to continue at our university.”

Those names have not been made public either.

Sources say the Wolverines have added a team manager and two female players from the university’s women’s team that was recently defeated in the NCAA Tournament.

Emmert is scheduled to make a public announcement at 4 p.m. today.

A source close to Emmert, familiar with the case, and once employed by the Associated Press, has been told by inside sources that the FBI is also looking into accusations that Randle and Harrison are not African American and do not hold United States citizenship but are, in actuality, the 10 of Hearts and the 3 of Dimonds.

To top it off this is not even the worst news to come to light last night.

The Seattle Mariners and Seattle Sounders have been sold to a group of Oklahoma City businessmen headed up by Clayton I. Bennett.

The same group, The Professional Basketball Club, LLC, own the Oklahoma City Thunder of the NBA (remember them? Our beloved Sonics?) and the Tulsa 66ers of the NBA Developmental League (I have no clue who they are).

Bennett stated that, “It is our desire to have the Mariners and the Sounders continue their existence in the Greater Seattle Area, and it is not our intention to move or relocate the teams so long, of course, as we are able to negotiate an attractive successor venue and lease arrangement.”

That sounds eerily familiar to his statement when he bought the Sonics. Matter-of-fact, just substitute the words Sonics and Storm (WNBA) for Mariners and Sounders and it is.

New Mariners signee Robinson Cano stated, “My initial statement of my goal as a player and a person as bringing a title to the city of Seattle is now untrue. I cannot be held to those statements, but I still get to keep my $240 million. Thanks for the money and the free coffee.”

Former Sonics owner and Starbucks founder Howard Schultz, meanwhile, has offered to build a $500 million arena and move the Philadelphia 76ers into town, renaming them the Jitterbugs after that wonderful feeling one gets when downing three or more of the company’s addictive concoctions.

Mariners’ general manager Jack Zduriencik stated, “We didn’t have that elite player on the field or in the lineup. We needed that position-player impact guy, and we got the best one available. Wait a minute, I said that in an earlier interview… Um, well I guess I get to watch the Thunder play live now.”

On another note…

Happy April Fools Day Juneau!

(The above statements were all fabricated and the quotes were not real unless pulled from legitimate stories).

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