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Letter: Finally living up to our nickname

Posted: Wednesday, January 10, 2001

I have before me a leaked report entitled "Preliminary Draft of Confidential Findings on the Economic Impact of the Transition of Juneau to a Tropical Climate." (It is subtitled "The Chicken/Liddell Report." Make of that what you will.)

In a prescient move, I sold my snowboards the previous year to pay various local healthcare providers to set my ribs, wrists and a thumb. But what is in store for everyone else in the coming shift to tropical Juneau? (Other than an increase in pecans, toucans and even more flamingos?) In addition to finally living up to our nickname of the Banana Belt, you can expect the following:

The harbor is relocated to the A&P parking lot (which remains open, but is only accessible to certified scuba divers).

Speaking of diving, Eaglecrest reconfigures itself as a dive school/scuba cruise retreat, and has excellent success selling tour packages of the Treadwell mine.

Plans for a new high school go back to the drawing board as JDHS floods. An attempted hack of the Commercial Fisheries Entry Commission Web site is traced to a school of herring that attempt to gain access through the school's computers.

Juneau International Airport is renamed Juneau International Seaplane Port. Alaska Airlines scrambles to retrofit all its 737's with floats.

The road out of town becomes a moot point as the glacier melts, enabling anyone with a 4X4 to drive directly to Atlin. In the meantime, construction interests "float" a plan to build a Chunnel to Haines. Gov. Knowles bypasses the whole "roads through the Tongass" issue and applies for emergency federal funds to buy buoys to direct the sudden influx of jet skis, kayaks and skiffs.

The 22nd legislative session, which takes place entirely on rented houseboats, is dubbed "The Floating Opera" by wags in Anchorage.

These and other exciting changes are in store for Juneauvians in the near future.

Anybody want to buy a couple of sweaters?

Michael D. Christenson

Juneau



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