LaRue: A fact of life: If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you

Posted: Thursday, January 20, 2005

Got a problem with your love life? Ask LaRue for advice at asklarue@hotmail.com

Dear LaRue,

I met a man who is perfect for me. He's great and we are really into each other, but he's married. He doesn't seem happily married and may be out of it soon. I feel bad about it, but I really love this guy. What should I do?

- Two-timing Tina

So I'm at a gathering. Picture it kids: I'm a girl dressed just so, when I see a boy who looks just right. He's not with me, of course. I am with some lanky-lurp showing me his latest camera-phone exploits. (Really unless you were in the photos, know the people in the photos or can use the photos for blackmail, this is a total waste of 20 minutes. Just a little tip.)

But then the boy who looks just so peeks in a Buster Keaton sort of way around boring boy, recognizing my boredom. My Hero!

He boldly walks up and we meet. He's quiet, smart and a little weird, just like I like 'em. But the strange thing is, he looks at me like he knows me.

Even though he couldn't tell ya how I take my coffee or what irks me, he looks at me like I'm an old, hot friend he's waited a long time to see.

Waited just for me and finally I'm there and he's just glad to see me. We couldn't take our eyes off each other. We were downright giddy. The long wait was over.

"You're amazing."

My pool game? I pondered as I sunk the eight ball on the break.

"Just you."

Now I don't know what this guy's been smoking on his planet and I don't care. He clearly was dropped here just for me, and I am up to the challenge of playing tour guide to my heart and possibly my fun bits. But it's like he's already been here before.

The party disappears. Our respective lives outside disappear. All that's left is me, him and a carefully chosen Van Morrison song on the CD player.

More sparkle, more spark, he touches my hand and sends me. Oh dear God, this is what it's supposed to feel like. This is what it's supposed to be like. I deserve this. I've earned this, if only for suffering through those stinkin' camera phone pictures.

Small talk. Must try to make small talk. But my brain is reeling, my heart is reeling. This really could be it.

"Where do you live?" Coy. Very coy LaRue.

"Up the street"

"Roommates?" I can get around roommates.

"Sort of."

"Your wife?" Oh, I'm so witty. Tee hee. Wouldn't it be funny if after all this his roommate is his wife? Oh-ho, I tickle me.

"Yeah."

And with that our bubble is broken and reality seeps in, drowning us both.

Now, let's get morality out of the way first. We've all been tempted to do something we know is wrong, so none of us can really cast the moral stone here. Stealing a piece of candy, breaking a speed limit, cheating just a little at a board game. We all make mistakes. I can't even say he was wrong.

We all get overwhelmed with our humanness, the bigness of life choices. Sometimes we just need some rest.

Now you may be tempted in the moment to say, well who does this really hurt?

Who would know?

You and you.

Let's look at the hard and fast facts.

He's the one. He's perfect for you. You would be willing to suffer the slings of sin and eternal hellfire for this man. I hate to point out that he has one fatal flaw: He's not yours.

He might as well tell you he has a couple people chopped up in his basement.

Right, wrong or indifferent, he made a choice to be someone else's. He has to, in essence, get rid of the bodies in the basement and clear the stink before he can be whole enough to be with you.

You can't fix what's broken in his life. He has to. Clearly there is something wrong, either with his marriage or him, and either way you might as well just keep on looking. As perfect as he may seem, he's not as perfect as he appears because he's out with you and not at home figuring out how to be with his wife or fix his life. You don't have time for this.

Beyond that, the simple fact remains:

IF HE CHEATS WITH YOU, HE'LL CHEAT ON YOU.

Talk about your instant karma. How will you ever be able to trust him? How will you ever be able to say with a straight face, "Oh well, I was different," because once, so was she. He loved HER once too. He told HER she was amazing at some point too. And look what happened there. He ends up tossing that to make out with you in a replica Amish cart exhibit.

I digress.

Besides, unless you are into this kind of thing, it's never gonna be just the two of you. It will always be you, him and this unknown HER hanging in the air somewhere.

You know the thing that brought me to earth in my scenario? I forced myself to ask him her name. She was a real person. A real person with feelings, with a side of the story I didn't know and a real person I was stealing from. Whether she deserved it or not I didn't know. What if she didn't? I was doing something cruel to a person I'd never even met or had any kind of beef with.

It's not worth it, honey. It hurts, but that doesn't last. It will never be a real relationship. It will always be a distraction from the truth and it's best to not tell that kind of lie.



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