Couch potatoes, it is time for the yearly event that marks the end of the professional football season, one that makes viewers cringe with hard-hitting, fast-moving, over-paid athletes consuming our time in between the life-blood of America - advertising. Sunday marks the 44th (XLIV for those who actually passed Latin) annual Commercial Bowl!!!
While most of us will have completed our workout for the day bright and early, many will be so caught up in game preparations that when kick off time rolls around (2:28 p.m. Alaska Standard Time), they will resemble the namesake of the coveted trophy, Vince Lombardi, and care less which team gets to pose with it at game's end.
The Super Exercise Bowl will allow you to not miss a single commercial but still get a workout.
Actual playing time in an NFL game consists of four 15-minute quarters, with commercials making it a three-plus hour event. We'll exercise only when the players do, and right off the couch.
Player introductions: Just stand up, shake your arms and legs like the floppy noodles simmering in the kitchen. Jog in place, do jumping jacks, recite (and follow) the elementary PE classes 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes... eyes, and ears, and mouth, and nose... head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.' I.E. touch your head with both hands, your shoulders, your knees, toes, etc.. Elevate the heart rate a bit.
Remember: No activity during Carrie Underwood's national anthem. Seriously, standing for the anthem is patriotic, and it's Carrie Underwood. Also, no exercise at halftime whileThe Who performs, because they are The Who and if they don't play Baba O'Riley our workout is over.
The pregame coin toss
As the players meet at the center of the field, do some resistance exercises. Press one hand against the other forcibly and hold for five seconds, release, and repeat at various heights. Next, grasp and pull your hands. Sumo press: stand with legs shoulder width apart, slightly bend knees, hands on knees, raise leg while pressing down on knees, inch forward as if ready to crush an opponent in the Sumo arena. By now it's game time!
You will start from the couch/chair sitting position each time your team has the ball and repeat the exercise as long as the play lasts.
First down: Hands on knees, bend forward, hands sliding in front of you, stand up into a toe raise with your arms extended over your head (Yes, you'll be doing a WAVE).
Second down: Hands at sides and toward front of couch. Press down and lift butt off and as high as possible, one count, return, repeat rapidly.
Third down: Straight-leg, single-leg raise with opposite hand-toe touch. You will continue this series of movements as long as your team moves the ball. If they punt, the WAVE becomes a raising squat jump. Instead of just rising on toes you actually go into the air a bit, and when you land you squat down and hold a menacing athletic stance. If your team scores you do that number of points in pushups, either traditional pushups or with the knees on the ground. For every replay shown, do a front bridge (lay on stomach, raise to rest on elbows and toes keeping body rigid).
When your team is on defense you are to stand on your feet.
First down: Very lightly run in place or bounce on toes while arms dangle and cross your chest.
Second down: Squat down to touch floor, rise up to a slight jump, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Third down: Standing cross crawls. Feet shoulder width apart, raise right knee up and across body to left while simultaneously crunching left shoulder down to the right side. Switch and repeat, repeat, repeat.
If the opponent gets a first down, you repeat the plays. If your team forces a punt, or on any turnover, you assume a boxing stance. Your lead foot is on the same side as your jabbing hand. Throw a couple jabs and a punch with your power arm, duck and bend under imaginary punches and repeat and celebrate. Each time your team is scored on, you have to do five crunches for every point.
For extra resistance, have two hard-cover books, or beverage containers, at the ready as hand weights - and wear Xtratufs for leg weights
Remember, there is no crying in the couch bowl, commercials are sacred, and no exercising on time-outs or station breaks. If you make it to half-time, enjoy The Who... They should resemble Vince Lombardi by now.