Outside editorial: Super Bowl suspicions

Posted: Wednesday, February 07, 2007

This editorial appeared in the Chicago Tribune:

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We forgot what the five stages of grief are, but denial is probably the one that best describes the mood around here. The drubbing the Chicago Bears took is just beginning to sink in. Instead of receiving champagne and adulation, the Bears trudged off the soaked Miami field and into the glum certainty of a super loss.

Or did they?

Bear with us here. See, the NFL always prepares caps and T-shirts for both teams before the Super Bowl is played. The winners wear theirs. The others are donated to nations where, as a corporate relations officer for World Vision told The New York Times, "the people don't have electricity or running water. They wouldn't know who won the Super Bowl. They wouldn't even know about football."

So out there somewhere is tangible evidence that, in fact, the Bears did win the Super Bowl.

That got us thinking, really, how do we know the Bears lost? In a world where conspiracy theorists question whether 9/11 was an inside job, whether American astronauts really landed on the moon, whether Elvis is still alive, whether Martians have landed and colonized Earth - well, you get the drift.

Who sez the Bears' alleged loss to Indianapolis wasn't just a huge, fantastic hoax?

Maybe the telecast was diverted into some weird video loop, along the lines of the clever deception in the movie "Ocean's Eleven," so that a Super Bowl seemed to be playing out in front of thousands of drenched fans but in reality, that was merely a staged play, an apparition not to be believed.

The Bears defense porous? The offense impotent? We think not.

In the real Super Bowl, the one playing in our heads, the Bears trounced the hapless Colts.

How can we get the word out now? Bloggers, where are you? We demand a prompt and thorough federal, state and local investigation of these suspicious circumstances.

The game's not over until all alternative theories have been carefully examined. The truth is out there. In the meantime, anyone know where on the planet we can get one of those Bears Super Bowl champion hats?

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