Forget the laundry this weekend - go without underwear if it comes to that. I promise you'll be fine. You also don't need to wash the kitchen floor or, like I usually do for Saturday entertainment, go to Costco, then Blockbuster.
Instead, paint your nails, dust off your sling-backs, and take your sweetie out on the town every night from now until Monday. People, there is so much to do, I can barely get my head around it. You definitely need a Palm Pilot to coordinate things, or better yet, your own staff of assistants.
Listen, at least let me be your scheduler for the weekend - you know, a personal assistant/lackey who tells you where to go, what to do and what to say. For every politician in this town, there are three to five scheduler-types in the wings, feeding them lines. Imagine I am yours and you are like the governor - I think he has about eight schedulers. Anyway I'll keep you from doddering off and embarrassing yourself, or worse, missing out on fun, fun, fun.
If you are reading this Thursday and you don't have tickets to "Wild Mind," the wearable art fund-raiser the Juneau Arts and Humanities Council is throwing, put down the paper and go get them. They're at Hearthside Books and the cost is $20. (If I were really your scheduler, you'd send me to get them while you sat in your office, but just work with me.)
About half of the art-related events that happen in this town are thanks to the Juneau Arts and Humanities Council - giving them $20 is so much cheaper than, say, getting cable, which is what we would be forced to do if they didn't give us anything to do on the weekends. Plus, the event is great fun, people are making outfits out of X-rays, beer caps, and wood shavings, for example. Remember last year's model who wore the clear-plastic swimsuit form with the fake chrysanthemum pasties?
Obviously, you have to go.
I scheduled you for that at 7:30 Friday, Feb. 14, at the Alaska Native Brotherhood Hall. Wear something nice and brush your teeth. I'm still working on your remarks.
On, Saturday, Feb. 15, you are penciled in to attend the "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)," which is playing at 8 p.m. at McPhetres Hall. I am just warning you now that this show is completely over-the-top: There are men in wigs, bad Scottish accents, flaming Converse All-stars, catchy song-and-dance numbers, hysterical props, and puking, lots of puking. Note: You may lose bladder control from laughing so hard.
The first half of the play, a review of two dozen works by Shakespeare, is the best part. The second half, which focuses mostly on "Hamlet," sort of spins out of control with actors running around and screaming a lot. I liked it when I saw it but if you don't, just say you have an "emergency" and pretend you have to take an important cell phone call outside.
If you miss the show on Saturday night, you can see it on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights until March 8. Also, because I know you like free things, there is a pay-as-you-will show Thursday, Feb. 20.
I have confirmed that you will be attending "The Vagina Monologues," an irreverent, moving and funny set of first-person essays by real women, at 7 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 16, at Centennial Hall. It shows one night only, so no getting out of it to watch "Stargate" reruns. Anyway, I think you will enjoy it, even if the V-word makes you squirrely. The ticket price goes to AWARE.
Before we move on, let me brief you. First, memorize this important statistic: Alaska Native women are twice as likely to become victims of domestic violence and sexual assault than their non-Native counterparts in the Lower 48. (If you were actually an elected official, I would tell you to do something about this. Since you probably aren't, after the show you may want to contact, say, the governor and tell a scheduler-type in his office you want his administration to do something about it. Here is the number: 465-3500.)
V-Day, an international anti-domestic violence organization, brought "The Vagina Monologues" here because we have one of the worst domestic violence records in the country. That is why you are going, and giving your $20. You might also want to buy the $50 VIP tickets, which include front-row seating and a preshow wine and appetizer reception at DiSopra. I know I am.
Tickets can be purchased in advance at Hearthside Books, at Perseverance Theater, at www.perseverancetheatre.org, and at AWARE; or at the door on the night of the performance.
Anyway, that's it for your weekend. You are going to be so busy, maybe you can get your other scheduler to do your laundry.
It has been very nice working for you. Thanks for reading.
Julia O'Malley can be reached at email@example.com.