Rumor has it in the nation's capital our Alaska delegation will introduce legislation in Congress to secure the economic well being and safety of the entire nation: The National Duct Tape bill. A masterpiece of free enterprise, a finalized Duct Tape Act will require state governments to furnish duct tape manufacturing kits to thousands of carefully selected families in economically depressed areas.
Alaska could stand a healthy boost of good old American up-by-the-bootstraps ingenuity: duct tape cottage industries. Coming soon from the federal government to a telephone pole near you:
Earn $10 k/mo. at home!
It's fun. It's for the family.
It's fabulously profitable.
Do your duty,
[picture of UNCLE SAM]
Call 1-800-Ductape now!
(Warning: Families refusing our government's call to duct tape duty risk loss of PFD dividends, welfare aid, and unemployment benefits and shall be reviled as contemptible traitors.)
The delegation envisions families happily laminating duct tape in cozy assembly-lined living rooms throughout the state: Dad stretching out the bottom strip of rubber adhesive; Mom following with the middle layer of fabric mesh: Junior applying the colored, top band of polyethelyne plastic; Sis sealing the composition with a hair dryer; little Mikey spinning the finished tape into 3-inch wide rolls - one big, happy family humming "Whistle while you work, Saddam is a jerk." $5.65 a roll, 100 rolls a day, five days a week - an industrious little homeland of patriotic harmony.
To stimulate duct tape production and bolster domestic spirits in the war against terrorism, signed photos of our beloved president, vice president, attorney general, secretary of Homeland Security, and the Alaska delegation shall be enthusiastically hung above all hearths.
The Duct Tape bill is a political no-brainer, a strategy that keeps its eyes on the prize of reelection and guarantees rabidly favorable reporting on Fox News Channel. A big plus of the proposed legislation is the possibility of saving lives.
Fellow Alaskans, let's stick it to Saddam.