If you boarded at Eaglecrest Ski Area this winter, you can say you rode on the deepest snowpack in the world.
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It's great for bragging rights.
After the thrashing I took out there last week, I'll take whatever rights I can get.
Halfway down my first run, I face-planted in some of that powder of now-legendary depth. My head was caked with ice, and my eyelids were frozen. I started hearing eerie giggling sounds (that was my neighbor laughing as he sped downhill).
I saw white spots. Maybe that was just more snow, the stuff that pushed Juneau into its snowiest year on record.
Snowiest year on record? I like it - more bragging rights.
Next time the slush spills into your shoes, next time your coffee has steamed itself cold, just remember: This winter is a chart-topper.
Make that was a chart-topper. It's officially spring, in case you hadn't noticed.
At this point, we're all a simple, declarative sentence away from Guinness World Records-style immortality. If you're not number one, you're in the wrong category.
Try my formula: "I broke the record for ... Total (blank) + snow + (blank) + (blank)."
No ideas? Here are some for starters.
Total pounds of snow shoveled from the driveway.
Total pounds of snow not shoveled from driveway.
Total value of property crushed by snowplows.
Total number of emergency beer runs prompted by storm warnings.
Total number of moments spent cringing over not buying a season ski pass in snowy November.
The list can go as far as the sluggish, hypothermic mind will take it.
Still no ideas? Use these.
Number of early morning slips on ice.
Number of footprints left in virgin powder.
Number of times you wish you wore XtraTufs ...
No blue ribbon yet? Keep striving. Keep dreaming. And remember, the more specialized and bizarre your pursuit, the better your odds of excellence.
And the less likely anyone is to debunk your claims.
Have fun! And don't forget, you can't have fame without promotion of some kind, e.g. self-promotion.
So I'm here to remind you, over and over, that I broke the record for total wipeouts in the world's deepest snowpack during Juneau's snowiest winter on record.
Did you break a record? The answer is yes. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure why. All I know is it involved winter, and you now have certain inalienable rights.
Ken Lewis can be reached at email@example.com.