Check your good sense at the door to enjoy 'Crank'
A pproximately 39 seconds into "Crank: High Voltage," it occurred to me that critiquing this movie made about as much sense as Rob Schneider's continuing career. An action film like "High Voltage," the sequel to the more efficiently titled "Crank" from 2006, starts out way over the top and then spends the next 90 minutes upping the ante. It takes itself as seriously as you might take the advice of a pothead.
Somehow I doubt Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) would give a flying four-letter-word that I was reviewing his movie.
As for Schneider, I dare you to explain it. The dude is probably best known for his "makin' copies!" sketch on "Saturday Night Live", but he has managed to put together an expansive filmography. In fact, according to imdb.com, the man has six films due to come out in the next two years. You read that correctly.
With Schneider, the blame likely falls on known buddy Adam Sandler, who has used his considerable clout to propel Schneider's career.
At this point you're probably wondering, "What the hell is with the Rob Schneider tangent? Isn't this a review of 'Crank: High Voltage'?"
Valid questions. My answer is this: I'm putting as much serious thought and introspection into this review as writers/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor did into "Crank: High Voltage."
For those that might consider "High Voltage" without having already seen "Crank" - I'm guessing the list is exceptionally short - here's the CliffsNotes on our hero, Chev Chelios: He's an assassin. He pisses lots of bad folks off and they all want him dead. In "Crank" his rival injects him with a poison that will kill him unless he keeps his adrenaline at a certain level; it's "Speed" with Chelios as the bus. Quite honestly I don't remember exactly how "Crank" ends but Chelios spends the whole film finding and killing everyone he thinks might be responsible for poisoning him.
"Crank: High Voltage" begins with Chelios falling out of the sky (from a helicopter high above Los Angeles), bouncing off the roof of a car and landing face first on the pavement. If it were you or me, the movie would already be over. Chev Chelios, however, doesn't die. He is scraped off the pavement like road-kill within seconds of landing there by some sort of Asian gang; they throw him into a van and whisk him away. Los Angeles onlookers seem appropriately only mildly interested in what they have just witnessed.
When Chelios awakes, various Asian bad guys are busily removing his heart and replacing it with a mechanical version. They're planning to harvest much more, but when they mention aloud that the first organ they're going for is Chev's - ahem - package... well, Chev ain't having that.
Mark the tape. When Chev starts killing Asian dudes we are still only 10 minutes in or so.
From then on the body count rises rapidly, the graphic sex is sprinkled in generously, and Chev almost dies at least 10 times. Oh, did I mention yet why Chev is killing bad guys in this one? He's chasing his heart, literally. The mechanical one in his chest threatens to quit if there isn't sufficient high voltage running through his body.
Think of all the ways to electrocute yourself that you can. I'll wait. Done?
Well, chances are you'll see everything you just thought of played out on screen. I suppose that's thanks to the creativity of Neveldine and Taylor.
Check your good sense at the door, and have fun. That's what everybody involved with "Crank: High Voltage" did.
• Check out Carson's movie blog at www.juneaublogger.com/movies.