A tourist calls home

Posted: Tuesday, May 08, 2001

"Hi, it's me. Yeah, we made it. Beautiful place, exotic people. Got off the cruise ship, and a gaggle of eco-goofballs accosted me, waving protest signs. 'Welcome, and thanks for coming,' they said, 'but your cruise ship just trashed the planet on its the way up. Now go spend some of your expensive vacation time talking to my legislator about it.' "

"Eco-goofballs?" my friend asked. Well, I was a little surprised, having just spent the past three days on the tour ship, enjoying the most beautiful pristine wilderness I'd ever seen. "The sign-wavers said if boats like mine kept coming, the water would turn to poison swill, liquid death." My friend said he thought the WTO thing was over, and asked if I was in Juneau or Seattle.

"Well, I'm not sure. I talked to someone from Fairbanks once and they said Juneau was North Seattle, probably because they are both on the left coast. Anyway, one little old lady, one of the few truly righteous, gave me a piece of paper. Go see Rep. Lefty Streamist, it said, and tell him you demand clean water underneath your tour boat." My friend asked "Demand? You walked your first 50 feet on Alaskan soil and they wanted you to run to their legislator and make demands? Didn't you tell them you were just on vacation?"

"Well, yes, but when I starting telling them that, they interrupted me to ask 'Don't you care about the environment?' "

"Well, sure, I said, doesn't everyone?" The little old lady then thrust a leaflet into my hand, inviting me to the Sky Falls Church of EcoFundamentalism, Pastor C. Ken Little. Inside I found information about eco-friendly earth shoes, not wearing fur or eating meat, using cruelty-free shampoo, spiking trees, ramming whaling boats, thinking globally and acting locally, visualizing World Peace, and recycling everything, including shoe laces. Hundreds of innocent animals are harmed by improperly discarded shoe laces every year, it said, and it was up to me do something about it.

Well, I turned around got right back on the boat. The captain said next stop was Skagway and there wouldn't be sign-wavers there, so, instead of touring Juneau and visiting the gift shops, I went back to my state room and took a nap. I'll call you later. Bye!"

Guy J. Crockroft


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