American History Tex

Posted: Monday, May 24, 2010

Many of us grew up reading about great patriots like Thomas Jefferson and admiring their contributions to our rich national heritage and the way the marketplace of ideas has led to a vital, living democracy. The rest of us grew up in Texas.

Yes, as you may have heard, the Texas Board of Education (the first such governing body to make roping a steer part of the PE curriculum) has recently decided American history wasn't American enough, and will accordingly be re-writing much of the history books their high school football players read between games. This may seem a bit drastic, but remember that Texas is the most American state in the union; at least 42 percent more American than, say, Iowa.

I applaud the efforts of our Texan friends, as I always felt the history I was taught in school whitewashed the manner in which America sprang fully formed as a conservative, God-fearing nation from the hole George Washington punched into a cherry tree.

Obviously, this revision to our outdated method of viewing history has caused many of your liberal panty-waists to start shaking in their Birkenstocks out of fear, but I've been given a first early glance at the new Texas history books and I say unless they hate America (which they probably do) they have nothing to fear from this bold, fresh new look at our nation's life story so far. Here are a few selections:

Preamble In the beginning, George Washington created the earth, and it was without patriotism. As he practiced the art of nation building, he got his start creating lesser countries such as Europe, Moscow and Muslims. Parts of these godless, "practice" countries can be seen today as part of The Epcot Center.

Revolution Due to poor planning, America was actually British for a short while owing to them sneaking in while George Washington wasn't looking. When Washington found out about this, he was understandably upset. He immediately roused a militia, wrote the Declaration of Independence, and hurled all of England's tea into Boston Harbor. The British immediately retreated, and Washington was so moved by their cowardice he composed "The Star Spangled Banner" and most of the songs that would later form Steve Miller Band's catalogue.

The War of Northern Cowardice The War of Northern Cowardice (referred to as the War of Northern Aggression in some less-American texts) began because of northern states' hatred of America, which continues to this day. Cowardly Union forces started this war by building Fort Sumter directly in the path of patriotic rebel cannonballs. The war was soon underway, and ended some time later with a full apology from northern states and their full assurance that they would never interfere with the South again. Parts of these un-American states still exist today, and can be seen from the air during international flights out of Atlanta.

World War II World War II happened because other countries weren't American enough, and so they immediately began fighting amongst themselves over who hated freedom more. America actually sat out the first few rounds since, as far as we were concerned, the fewer un-American countries out there, the better. It wasn't until we successfully defended the assault on Pearl Harbor that we decided to get involved, and the war was over within weeks.

The Cold War After the war ended, many Americans quickly decided that they were tired of freedom and soon half the country was communist. Brave patriot Sen. Joe McCarthy quickly weeded out these transgressors and a long period of patriotism, in which the Mississippi river actually flowed red, white and blue for several years, began. They ended in the 60s with the birth of hippies, forming the genesis of domestic terrorism, which today we call the Democrats. Since that moment, America has slowly gotten worse.

See? Nothing wrong there. That's just history. You just think it's factually inaccurate because you've been taught nothing but a patchwork of lies through your entire education.

So I lift the brim of my Stetson in salute to the Texas Board of Education, for having the good-old-fashioned American cajones to teach American history as it happened. And who knows, maybe this fresh new look at history will inspire some young student to run for the nation's highest office: President of Texas.

As the Constitution says: "Doot do do do do doot doot. Living in the U.S.A."

Barry Kaufman is a columnist for Bluffton Today. He can be reached at or check out his novel The Flyover States at

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