Where to begin?

Surely by now you have seen other reviews of Michael Bay's robot sequel, which means you are probably expecting me to piss and moan here about how "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" gave me a headache, had no plot and melted my brain a little. I did not get a headache, but I have to admit the latter two complaints are probably valid.

Ironically, the weakest plot point of the first "Transformers" movie is what they chose to center the sequel around as well: the All-Spark. That cube of energy that Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) shoved into Megatron's chest at the end of "Transformers," simultaneously destroying both the cube and Megatron, makes its triumphant return in "Revenge of the Fallen." Sam finds a sliver of it as he is getting ready to leave for college, and then it is downhill from there.

That's true for Sam, as well as "Revenge of the Fallen."

I suppose we cannot fault writers Ehren Kruger and Roberto Orci too much, though. They were probably told to come up with some way, no matter how silly, to bring Megatron back to life. So they brought the cube back, and then they went ahead and brought the entire timeline back a few thousand years. I'm serious. "Revenge of the Fallen" opens with the soothing vocals of Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) explaining how mankind and Transformers have been linked since the beginning of civilization. Now, present day, the original bad guy Transformers are sitting in outer space plotting their revenge. Big, bad Megatron is actually just an errand boy for the original leader of the Decepticons.

There are ancient hieroglyphics that tie everything together. Makes perfect sense.

At least now, though, you can see how "Revenge of the Fallen" wound up being 150 minutes long.

So, you see, there is indeed a plot. Sort of. One could argue, in fact, that there is too much plot. I am not saying it is a great story; I am simply saying there is a story. If you look at things honestly, the job of Kruger and Orci was to fill in the time between robot battles with something. They did that.

"Revenge of the Fallen," more than any previous Michael Bay flick, gave him the green light to let loose. The Autobots and Decepticons fight early and often and plenty of buildings are destroyed as the carnage spreads. We humans, in alliance with the Autobots, are involved in some of the battles too, although I found myself wondering why. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson, reprising their roles as military badasses, lend more credibility to their characters than they merit. The truth is that we humans are a nuisance; we get in the way of the Autobots, the Decepticons want to kill us, and Michael Bay doesn't really want to deal with us.

What good are human actors, after all, when all they can do is watch from the sidelines while Optimus Prime and Megatron engage in giant-hand-to-giant-hand-combat? That's probably something Bay asked himself every. So he throws in just enough of Sam and Mikaela (Megan Fox, who will draw many an inappropriate comment from any teenage boy sitting near you), Sam's parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White), and good ol' Agent Simmons (John Turturro) to keep the robots from taking over the movie entirely.

It's really too bad Bay didn't realize that the strongest moments of "Revenge of the Fallen" come when his real-life actors are at work.

Don't blame Bay too much. His brain, like mine after "Revenge," was probably melted long ago.

• Check out Carson's movie blog at www.juneaublogger.com/movies.