Low expectations a prerequisite for adult bluegrass camp

Children and young people interested in bluegrass in Alaska have a good deal. Every summer they can hang out and learn bluegrass with Bearfoot, one of the coolest and hottest bands anywhere.

But what about adults? A few of us in the Great Alaska Bluegrass Band think there should be a camp for the under-camped adult demographic.

Here is a sip of what bluegrass camp for adults might look like.

Classes meet at the Triangle or Alaskan Bar around 3 p.m. every day of the darkest and rainiest week in the fall. Everyone is there anyway, so even if we forget, no one will know. Bring money for registration, which involves buying beer for the instructors. It's OK to be late because the teachers probably will be, too. Bring instruments, thought it's likely we'll just hold them and BS the whole time.

The following classes might be held, but, like a set list, they could be ignored.

How to get over the taste of good beer 101 (suggested by Andrew Heist)

A band's day starts well before the Hooligan calendar's published show time. They load and transport sound equipment, do a sound check, make a set list, do some warm up picking, eat, sometimes put new wires on the instruments. Who could possibly cope with this sans cold beer? If one starts the day with high octane micro-beers, they're not going to make it to dinner. That's where inexpensive, low-alcohol beer like Miller High Life will give a picker what it takes to go the extra hour.

Course fee: Not sure, just bring a credit card that's not maxed out.

Preparation: Practice drinking warm cans of High Life. Start with a sixer a day. Be up to a half-rack by the time class begins.

How to lose money gracefully 201

Tim O'Brien himself once said: No matter how big a bluegrass band gets, they're never gonna profit. He used his outfit Hot Rize as an example and said that as they landed bigger gigs, their needs also grew. Instead of all stuffing in a hotel room, they each wanted their own. Instead of the van, they bought a bus. It must have been one of the commandments that didn't make it to print: bluegrassers shall not make money.

Course fee: A pocket full of cash that we'll haphazardly burn.

Preparation: If you're doing well financially, make some bad investments. Cash in the kid's college fund, suck up a brutal tax hit, and buy an expensive instrument.

How to get invited back to festivals and not get kicked out of hotels 420

Sometimes after a couple of late-night picking sessions and the above described beer drinking, bluegrassers don't make choices that are understood by, say, administration types. For occasions like these a band should hire a cultural liaison - a translator if you will. This is a paradox however, because a bluegrass band can't even afford a sound person, much less a liaison.

Course fee: Not sure, but bring a credit card.

Preparation: Play a banjo loudly at 3 a.m. and short the landlord on rent. See how long you can stay in your apartment.

Courses that may be offered in the future include:

How not to offend the audience 169.

How to quiet a hammered heckler 186.

No pre-registration is required for bluegrass camp for adults. Just show up with low expectations and get ready to have fun.

• Scott Burton can be reached at sburton495@hotmail.com.