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Thank you for purchasing your brand new iPhone 4! We here at Apple are very aware that you have your choice in cell phones, but we're also aware that you people will literally buy anything we introduce, as long as we make you wait in line or pretend to leak a prototype. Little known fact: the iPad started out as a joke among our marketing department guys.
Before you begin using your iPhone 4, take a moment to read the following and familiarize yourself with the many features of your device, especially since we'll be improving on them with the introduction of next month's iPhone5.
Your iPhone comes equipped with a fancy touchscreen that is guaranteed not to smudge unless you do something idiotic like touch it. If you do happen to smudge it with your fingers, which are no doubt greasy after eating nothing but KFC in the three days you waited in line for your iPhone, be sure to clean the screen with official Apple-licensed chamois (note: cleaning the screen with an unlicensed chamois will result in your iPhone being immediately bricked. Yes, we realize unlicensed chamois would make an awesome name for a band).
Your iPhone will also allow you to access the app store, which gives you the opportunity, at $5 a pop, to use your iPhone as a carpenter's level, a lightsaber, a marital aid, a map to the lost Incan city of Gold and a modulator to change your voice to sound like Christopher Walken. Some might argue that one can simply do a Christopher Walken impression themselves for free, but rest assured it doesn't sound as good as you think it does. Most.... Ofthetimeyoujust.... Talk like this. Then you shoehorn in some reference to "more cowbell" so people know you're not doing William Shatner.
To keep up with our growing national narcissism, the iPhone now has two cameras. The outer camera allows you to use the iPhone as a digital camera, while the one on the earpiece allows you to take pictures up your ear. This was another feature that started as a joke in our marketing department, and got out of hand after a late night spent drinking heavily. You should see what we came up with for the iPhone 5. It's literally just thirteen Nikon DS30s that we glued together and put an Apple sticker on. We guarantee we'll sell a million of 'em.
Of course, all the cameras in the world won't help you if you can't get online to let all of your friends know exactly where your iPhone is at all times. So, the iPhone is equipped with all of the next-gen technology you'll need to catch up with your facebook friends and watch blurry YouTube videos on a tiny screen, at any spot in the world (and by any spot in the world, we mean the three spots where AT&T offers 3G coverage).
CARE AND MAINTENANCE
* Your iPhone is a far more sophisticated piece of equipment than, say, the large hadron collider, so it's advised that you keep the iPhone away from inferior devices until it's become adjusted to living in the crude, primitive world you call your home.
* The iPhone, for all its intelligence, has severe emotional problems, so try not to have any angry or particularly weepy conversations over the iPhone. For that reason, the iPhone is not for sale to teenagers in several states.
* Occasionally, the iPhone may attempt to insert itself inappropriately into household pets. Apple recommends just letting your iPhone tire itself out, as any attempts to extricate it will simply cause it to overheat and potentially explode.
* Many users have noted that holding the iPhone a certain way (e.g. with your hands) causes the iPhone to lose reception. It was theorized incorrectly on several blogs that this stems from a design flaw. In fact, the iPhone has that phobia Howie Mandell has about being touched. For users who experience such adverse performance, we recommend the official Apple iPillow. This handy accessory gives your iPhone a relaxed place to operate while keeping it free of your clumsy germ-riddled paws.
* It's recommended you give your iPhone regular affirmations of how great it is. If you are worried about keeping up with the iPhone's intense emotional demands, you probably don't deserve to own one.
Barry Kaufman is a humor columnist for Bluffton Today in Bluffton, S.C. and still texts with his pointer fingers.