The fine people visiting our town from all over the world have every right to expect a watered down and safe Alaska. They pay thousands of dollars to have a thoroughly censored Alaska adventure, and who are these "skaters" but a bunch of Alaskans "ollie-ing," "grinding" and "kickflipping" over that "gnarly" experience.
In fact, it is time to stop all Alaskans from interfering with our visitors' Alaska experience. Skate boarders should go, but truly hospitable hosts must eradicate all the things that cause injury, emotional pain and revulsion to our out-of-state guests.
First, we should institute a curfew: No Alaskans should be near downtown, the tram, the glacier visitor center, or any whale-watching areas until the last cruise ship has left town. All interactions with tourists must be handled by cruiseline-certified professionals from out of state.
Next, we should refuse American money, designate our elevation as 10,000 feet, decrease annual rainfall, move the glacier closer to town, and generally become more quaint.
Finally, and this is the most difficult, we must ban driving anywhere tourists can be found. I'm not against drivers. I admire their powerful abilities. But last year I saw a van come shooting around a corner, hit a little old lady, and park on her. As Assemblyman Sanford would say, "It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt."
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