Are you people serious? How do you find the time to even conceive of putting together a committee to oversee the "appropriateness" of a Fourth of July entrant? Here's a group I need to hang out with. After all, as a card-carrying member of these United States, I think it's my God-given right to tell everyone else how to conduct their lives and express their opinion. And personally, I was deeply offended by three different floats at the parade: the Clear-Channel-Mega-conglomeration-disguised-as-local-radio float; the become-a-soldier-because-your-country-won't-support-disadvantaged-youth-in-any-other-way-than-putting-their-lives-on-the-line float; and of course those ice climbers with their healthy bodies that only serve to remind me of my inability to take control over my excesses, which every American is entitled to by birth. They especially should be stopped, since they are the most offensive to me, 'cause, let's face it, I'm too lazy to look away and too immature to view a holiday parade as anything but a silly, freedom-loving, American tradition.
My fellow citizens, I implore you: Don't let this insidious, countrywide sweep of political-correctness fear envelop us in what is thought to be the last bastion of true frontier freedom. The most offensive of all behavior is reducing the standards of the many to comply with the frightened standards of the few.