Dating: In announcement

Posted: Sunday, August 15, 2010

Wedding announcements are frustrating. However the parties met or whatever they do seems to be the most glorious event or occupation in the history of mankind... well, possibly the manager of the Eden Apple company circa Genesis might have been a good gig.

Klas Stolpe / Juneau Empire
Klas Stolpe / Juneau Empire

To be "in announcement" is the mark of a successful life. Your "resume" all polished and highlighted by silver bells and doves and cake:

SHE was torturing little piggies over an open fire with friends on Sandy Beach. HE was attempting to drown his dog via tossing a tennis ball into the surf. The couples have Ph.D.s, hang glide, and will cure some world catastrophe in a foreign country on their honeymoon, provided his deep-sea diving evaluation of an ocean-spawned volcano doesn't overlap her computer classes with a Tibetan monk atop K2.

SHE is a vegetarian. HE kills and skins dinner and eats it off plates kilned in mud furnaces by pre-pubescent foreign children.

HE is left-wing extremist with a photo of Sarah Palin on a dartboard. SHE buys everything 'Sarah' and thinks Rush Limbaugh is a god.

HE stands on the top bumper of the Department of Sanitation's east route garbage truck. SHE is a culinary chef for pigeons in Central Park and refurbishes plastics from the environment. They met when he averted her untimely demise by turning off the automatic dumping switch as the cardboard condo she decorated was about to be renovated.

OH, and their parents discovered gravity... and invented Starburst fruit chews.

Walking the dock on derby day, I found a more realistic couple. Russel and Danielle Jones met on a charter. He is a fishing captain and she likes to fish. When I asked how it works being together on a boat, he said to ask her and she said, "He does all the work."

I only hope when my "in annoucement" time is granted, with its condensed quote from "Four Weddings And A Funeral," that a little hope will go out to those singles who have seven or eight hangovers left over from various friends' weddings or a dozen or so dresses that are only fit for the running of the roses on Kentucky Derby Day:

HE found someone he liked the look of and SHE didn't become violently ill at the sight of him.

• Contact Klas Stolpe at

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