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To what depths of depravity and immorality can the Empire sink to? Can it possibly be as bad as a pornographic magazine? Absolutely. When I read that Hooligan article about certain "toys," my eyes were glued - I couldn't look away, because I was so enraged by it. Is this what we want our children to be seeing?
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I know I want my kids to read about the news when they pick up the paper. I want them to hear about terrorist attacks, brutal murders, lying politicians, bear maulings, gang violence and deadly outbreaks of Ebola - but not smut. You know what happens when children are exposed to smut? They get all sorts of ideas in their heads. They start to think that it's OK to talk about the "S" word with other people. They get the idea that it's not something to be ashamed about. And worst of all, they think that masturbation - a disgusting, filthy habit relegated to the likes of street urchins and utterly depraved hippies - is OK. The last thing we need is for children, or anyone for that matter, to think that there are actually places you can go to help you do it.
Children don't normally think about the "S" word on their own anyhow. That doesn't happen until the exact moment they turn 18. It's only because of bad influences, like the darned television, Madonna and Brad Pitt, that they're thinking about it before they're adults. Puberty is a myth concocted by the liberal media.
But I'm also disgusted at the people who sent their own angry letters to the Empire. Shame on all of you. You used the "S" word, among others, in a family newspaper. I don't want my kids seeing that kind of smut. I don't want to have to explain things to them and talk to them. Ignorance is always the best way to keep your mind from being corrupted, I say. That's why I like our public school system so well.
All I know is that it's meant to take place between a locked bedroom door in complete darkness and for only a couple minutes or so at a time. "Toys" are akin to adultery, and that is exactly what this newspaper is advocating. Adultery. Adultery, fornication, prostitution and all other manner of indecent, immoral and utterly repulsive behaviors that'll plunge our civilization into bitter anarchy and cause the destruction of everything we know and love.
I could go into the religious implications of this despicable and sinful behavior, but I prefer to leave this letter reasonable and unbiased so the other side of the fence can't refute it.