My Turn: Confronting domestic violence
"What will daddy be like when he comes home today?Will he yell at mama and me again?Will he break anything?Why does he call mama mean names? Why is daddy nice to everyone but us?Could daddy really take me away like he said if mama doesn't do everything he says? How come daddy shoves mama?Maybe daddy would love me more if I shoved her too?But I love my mama!"
And so the thoughts of a child in an abusive household, bleak and oppressive, circle in a child's mind, crowding out joy and the cheerful faith of childhood.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. It would be hard to find someone who didn't condemn domestic violence.But the truth is that most of us have tacitly endorsed and reinforced the social paradigms that make domestic violence possible. We suggest "marriage counseling" when a man assaults his wife.We offer excuses for the batterer - stress, intoxication, money problems, a wife who "doesn't understand him" - and blame the victims.We push women into making choices that could literally cost them their lives or the loss of the children.
The myths associated with domestic violence are pernicious and deadly.For example, contrary to popular belief, women do not "automatically" get custody of children when they divorce battering men.In fact, research has shown that batterers are likely to get custody of children.They have greater financial resources, are deeply manipulative and behave ruthlessly.Furthermore, statistics show that a woman is more likely to be murdered by an abuser after she leaves him.
Per capita, Alaska women suffer from the violence of men more any other population in the country.The isolation of our communities creates a cocoon of immunity for abusers, who typically abuse only wives and girlfriends and easily preserve their public images without challenge.
Juneau is fortunate in having the AWARE shelter for women and children, with many important services.But women and children do not belong in exile from their homes.It is past time that Juneau took domestic violence seriously and developed substantive education and prevention programs and a true domestic violence program for men.
Juneau previously had an anger management program, which is useless for dealing with abusers. Battering is not about anger. In fact, abusers are usually in complete control of themselves when they batter. If you don't think so, watch how fast "unbridled rage" turns to genial good nature when a policeman walks up to the door.
To learn the facts, read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, who was a counselor at EMERGE in Cambridge, Mass.EMERGE is the oldest and among the best domestic violence programs in the country.He writes, "When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect.Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury."
Juneau needs to change its attitudes about domestic violence and it needs to change them now. While we wait, women and children are suffering.
• Morissa Lou Williams is a writer who has researched and published numerous articles about domestic violence.