Domestic violence: terrorism in the home
Fear, uncertainty and confusion. Following the events of Sept. 11, most Americans experienced these feelings to some degree. But what would it be like to live with those feelings every day of your life? What if the source of the fear and uncertainty was not a terrorist from some distant country, but someone you lived with, and someone who claimed to love you? For survivors of domestic violence, this is their daily existence. This kind of terrorism, however, is hidden within the private walls of the home. Away from public view, it is easy to deny the extent of domestic violence in our country.
But according to a July 2000 report on the findings of the National Violence Against Women Survey, almost 25 percent of women surveyed reported being raped and/or physically assaulted by a spouse, partner, or date during their lifetime. The survey, cosponsored by the National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, estimates 1.5 million women are victims of rape or physical assault annually.
"Domestic violence is all around us," said Annette Coggins, executive director of AWARE, Juneau's crisis center for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. "But everyone thinks it's not in their neighborhood, their family, their church, or their office. People have an idea of what a domestic violence victim looks like, that it's someone very bruised and battered. But in reality, many victims don't call their experience domestic violence until it's escalated to severe levels."
"Relationships involving domestic violence don't start out that way," Coggins added. "If someone hit you on the first date, you'd never go out with them again. The pattern of behaviors leading to domestic violence are much more subtle."
Perpetrators attempt to gain power and control over their partners using a variety of tactics. They use emotional abuse, intimidation, isolate their partner from friends, family, and support systems, deny their abusiveness, and use coercion and threats to exercise control over their partner. Together, the behaviors have a terrible dehumanizing effect on the victim. Physical violence only serves to reinforce every other tactic. Yet perpetrators insist they love their partners, adding to the victim's sense of confusion.
"I thought he was truly sorry," a woman who survived 20 years of domestic violence said of her first incident of abuse, "He promised me he was never going to do it again."
She recalls becoming frightened of him the third time he was violent. "He turned the house upside down. He busted up everything in it, all the plants, and all the furniture. He cut up all of my clothes." She tried to placate him to avoid his wrath, "I would try not to do or say anything that would make him upset. It was like walking on eggshells." She was always afraid and uncertain of what would happen next.
"You know he's going to blow, you just don't know when. I tried to keep quiet, keep the kids quiet, because I didn't want to get hit again." Her perpetrator threatened to kill her, her children, and her family, but she was lucky; she managed to escape the terrorism with her life.
Women who live with domestic violence are survivors of a private, very personal form of terrorism. But help is available to them through programs and shelter offered by organizations such as AWARE.
Coggins offered suggestions for friends and families of domestic violence survivors: "If you think someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, let them know they can get help here at AWARE. Assist them in calling or getting to the shelter if needed. Believe them, support them, and don't judge them," she said. "At AWARE, our role is to provide support and to help women find their own power after someone they love has tried to take it away."
Sherrie A. Myers is former a rural outreach coordinator for AWARE, where she worked with programs in nine rural Southeast Alaska communities.