Humans can heal with rituals
As we move toward the holidays, I am reminded of the rituals that accompany the season. Many I cherish; some leave me cold. Christmas music playing at Fred Meyer the day after Halloween seems nothing short of cynical. Still, those same songs played quietly in a candle-lit room on Christmas morning sound sacred. I think the difference lies in the intent.
Done with intention, rituals give symbolic expression to our thoughts and feelings. We cannot think our way through grief. Rituals help us quiet our busy minds, so we can feel more fully what is in our hearts. Some rituals are only done once - planting a tree in memory of a loved one, for example. Others are done repeatedly, such as engaging in a spiritual practice. Both types of rituals can buoy us and help us to heal in troubled times.
Ongoing daily rituals lend normalcy to life when the unexpected happens. The rituals we establish now will be there for us later to help calm us and guide us through the miasma of emotional and spiritual crises. When my 22- year-old cousin died unexpectedly two years ago, it was her family's spiritual faith and devoted religious community that kept them from despair.
No matter how dark the days, the steady, shining light of faith was their North Star. Just as it had always been. There are many daily rituals we can embrace - meditation, journal-writing, walking in nature. It is only a matter of setting an intention and allowing ourselves to be removed from the busyness of the world.
Rituals specific to an occasion also can be comforting when we are feeling adrift from all that we know and trust. They allow us to get out of our heads, to give outward expression to our feelings in ways that feel safe and sanctioned. Funerals and memorial services are vital for those of us who live far from family or who may not be part of a spiritual community. When we look at the empty chair at our Thanksgiving Day table, we can't help but miss our loved ones even more. No amount of rituals will bring them back, but maybe the pain can be lessened a little if we take the time to acknowledge the loss and seek to find new ways to connect with those who are gone. Some people may keep that chair empty, symbolically including their loved one at the table. Others may light a special candle and keep it lit all day as a reminder of their loved one's enduring spirit. It is OK to abandon the usual way of doing things. It may be less painful than trying to go on as though nothing has changed.
One of our rituals at Hospice and Home Care of Juneau is our annual Remembrance Gathering. As the pace of life quickens in anticipation of the holidays, we offer the public the opportunity to stop for a little while. This year the gathering will be at 3 p.m. on Dec. 8 at DIPAC. Violinist Lisa Miles will play music for reflection and Carole Sarles will share some of her thoughts about loss and healing. Certain aspects of the event change every year, but the heart of the ritual stays the same. Four candles are lit symbolizing our grief, our courage, our memories and our love. The names of our Hospice patients who died within the last two years are read aloud, then time is made for anyone present to speak the names of their deceased loved ones. I love watching the candles being lit as the winter sky darkens outside the windows. Some people struggle with the idea of the Remembrance Gathering, "Isn't it depressing?" they ask.
My answer to them is, "No, it is not depressing to sit in communion with my friends and neighbors to honor those we've loved and lost. It can be sad, and often there are tears, but it is also incredibly comforting to share my grief in a safe place with people who care. It feels good to acknowledge my courage and memories and steadfast love."
It is essential to remember that we don't get to choose when loss will knock us flat. We may never be ready, but there are things we can do to prepare ourselves. Creating our own life-sustaining rituals or learning to sit quietly and listen to our hearts are two ways to begin.
For more information about the HHCJ Remembrance Gathering please call Mary Cook at 463-3113.
Mary Cook is the volunteer coordinator at Hospice and Home Care of Juneau.