Middle Earth Smackdown: Point-Counterpoint 2

Let's face it, people: we love them both. Legolas and Aragorn both are handsome, strong, clever and perceptive. They stand by their friends, they have a sense of doing things for the greater good and they're buddies with Gandalf. Who doesn't want to be buddies with Gandalf?

• Photos

Back | Next

Back | Next

But what's really at issue here is a matter of species. Legolas, as an elf, will never die. Aragorn, hot as he is, is human. And he's going to be king.

Let's think Darwin here. Who is the strongest? Who is going to rule a kingdom? Who just refuses to die no matter how many orcs stand in his way? Who is of the same species as most readers of this article?

It's not that I think that inter-species dating is wrong. Legolas should probably get domestic benefits if he happens to pair up with a CBJ employee. But biologically, we mate because we need to pass our human DNA onto future generations. What mess could pairing an elf and a human make? An offspring with mortality AND pointy ears?

Besides Darwin, there are other advantages to sticking with humans.

When you have to forgo butter in an attempt to lower your cholesterol, Aragorn will understand. He'll join you for your daily glass of red wine and bowl of blueberries, knowing that the antioxidants will help you stave off heart disease and cancer. Legolas just won't get it.

And wrinkles? Aragorn has wrinkles. And he sweats, like everybody else, especially after hours of running after Uruk-Hai ("The great soldier orcs of the later Third Age," according to the Encyclopedia of Arda, duh). Why in the world does Legolas look as fresh as the morning dew in the middle of the battle for Helms Deep? Because he's an elf.

There's also the maturity factor. Legolas' competition with Gimli on the number of orcs he's killed is simply childish. Marry him, and he'll probably spend most of his time playing Dungeons and Dragons on his iMac. And youth is not a valid excuse - the elf is nearly 3,000 years old. He's going to stay this way for a while.

Legolas seems years younger than the 87-year-old Aragorn. If an elf has lived 3,000 years and has yet to pair up, he's clearly afraid of commitment. Sure, Aragorn may be tempted by Eowyn, who fell in love with him on first site. But at least Aragorn shows some interest in doing something other than shooting arrows at bad guys and poking fun at Gimli.

Finally, I'd like to address a more practical issue of partnering with Legolas. According to theonering.net, Legolas and Gimli develop a lifelong friendship during their quest to destroy the ring. Once Aragorn died, Gimli and Legolas sailed over the sea together. Legolas may be great, but who wants to spend the rest of her life with an ax-wielding, crabby old dwarf?

While Legolas may not be the right match for me, I acknowledge that he might be perfect for some people. Are you a 13-year-old girl? Do you desperately wish the Nelson twins were still singing? Is N-Sync your favorite band? Legolas may be for you.

If you've grown up a bit and realize that a potential mate needs more than silky blond hair and a nice green suit, it's clear that Aragorn should be your choice. Did I mention he's going to be king?