Please, Fish and Wildlife Service, help me introduce polar bears to Antarctica

Please, Fish and Wildlife Service, help me introduce polar bears to Antarctica

First off, let me briefly mention my two current GoFundMe campaigns.

The first is the cloning and reintroduction of short-faced bears, dire wolves and steppe lions to North America. It’s the only way to save family values, bring the war on drugs to an end, end hyperpartisanship and make our country great again.

My other idea is to start a human collaring and monitoring program — akin to the one for the wolves of Yellowstone, which was a great success — so we can have a better understanding of our eating, mating and other social phenomena. We need to collect better data to manage ourselves for optimal yield. Besides, a lot of us could use the exercise and emotional stimulation that comes with being chased by a helicopter and shot at.

If the federal government is interested in allotting funds for either of these ideas I have all sorts of diagrams, charts and papers proving the science.

ADVERTISEMENT
0 seconds of 0 secondsVolume 0%
Press shift question mark to access a list of keyboard shortcuts
00:00
00:00
00:00
 

That said, I’m not that naïve and realize that reintroducing extinct mega predators and fitting people with GPS collars isn’t spicy enough to capture the imagination and tax dollars of the American people

Enough about that. You’ve probably heard all those Libtards babbling about how we’re living in the greatest extinction since when the dinosaurs disappeared from Earth. Global warming this; global warming that. While most of that is obviously fake news used for mind control by Dems, there is no denying the world is changing at a rate that our children will no longer have to worry about going to college. Instead, they’ll get to go all Mad Max and join gangs, wear jockstraps on the outside of their pants and drive cool off-road vehicles in their constant search for fresh water and other gangs to enslave and cannibalize.

There is one issue related to our changing world dear to every red-blooded American’s heart: cute little fluffy baby polar bears are running out of ice and snow. Polar bears are not photogenic when they’re dirty. They need snow to roll around in, so they can look virginally white (that’s also my idea for a new crayon color) just like nature intended. I think we can all get behind the rallying cry of “Let’s Make Polar Bears White Again!”

Why not transport a few dozen polar bears to Antarctica, where there is still plenty of snow and ice? The whole starving issue will be easily resolved by the flocks of slow-moving Emperor penguins. Yes, we will lose a few bears to bowel obstructions caused by all those feathers but I’m confident the bears will be appropriately white, and their population will grow. If there is too much concern we could always hire people to chase down and pluck the birds beforehand.

Sure, some people will find my idea controversial. Many might think it basically boils down to the survival of penguin versus polar bear. It doesn’t have to be that way. I propose taking the few Emperors polar bears don’t eat and introducing them to the Arctic. Since there will no longer be polar bears there, the penguins will thrive. And, they’ll have plenty of water to keep them from looking dirty.

Please give me all the permits, traps, drugs and a yacht — preferably one that has a glass swimming pool as part of its hull, so it looks like I’m swimming with whales and other sea creatures — necessary.

Not only is my idea great for the survival of the species, but in time my polar bears could become an economic boom in adventure tourism. I already have plans to hire animal linguists and psychics to train the bears to look deep into people’s eyes and say things like “you’re special” and “you’re safe.”

Who wouldn’t pay top dollar for that?


• Bjorn Dihle is a Juneau writer. He is the author of “Haunted Inside Passage: Ghosts, Legends and Mysteries of Southeast Alaska” and “Never Cry Halibut: and Other Alaska Fishing and Hunting Tales.” You can contact or follow him at facebook.com/BjornDihleauthor.


More in Home

A 2.9-acre plot of land donated to Huna Totem Corp. by Norwegian Cruise Line is the site for the proposed Aak’w Landing private cruise ship dock. (Michael S. Lockett / Juneau Empire file photo)
Amendments to Huna Totem’s proposed private cruise dock to be taken up Monday night by the Assembly

A dozen proposals seek limits on ship size, fines for violations, setting various operational goals.

A storage shed on Meadow Lane catches fire Monday morning. (Photo by Chelsea Stonex)
Storage shed fire spreads to two vehicles, causing explosion, but no injuries reported

Two homes on Meadow Lane suffer broken windows and other damage, according to CCFR.

‘Wáats’asdiyei Joe Yates, Raye Lankford, X̱’unei Lance Twitchell and Rochelle Adams pose with the Children’s and Family Emmy Award award Lankford and Twitchell won for co-writing the an episode of the PBS animated children’s show “Molly of Denali.” (Photo courtesy of ‘Wáats’asdiyei Joe Yates)
‘Molly of Denali’ episode wins best writing honor at 2025 Children’s and Family Emmy Awards

First Emmy win for animated PBS show goes to episode co-writers X̱’unei Lance Twitchell and Raye Lankford.

The Tlingit and Haida Elders Group performs the entrance dance at the 89th annual Tribal Assembly of the Central Council of the Tlingit and Haida Indian Tribes of Alaska on Wednesday, April 17, 2024, at Elizabeth Peratrovich Hall. (Mark Sabbatini / Juneau Empire file photo)
Trump rescinds Biden executive order expanding tribal sovereignty and self-governance

Order giving Natives more access to federal funds cited in awarding of major Southeast Alaska projects.

The House Finance Committee listens to public testimony about next year’s proposed budget on Friday at the Alaska State Capitol. (Mark Sabbatini / Juneau Empire)
The Alaska House budget currently has a ‘full’ PFD of about $3,800. Except it really doesn’t.

Legislators on all sides agree PFD will shrink drastically before floor vote to avoid $2 billion deficit.

Metlakatla senior Brody Booth (12) scores over Seward’s Lane Petersen and Jack Lindquisst (1) during their 3rd/5th-place game Saturday at the 2025 ASAA March Madness Alaska 2A State Basketball Championships at UAA’s Avis Sports Center. (Klas Stolpe / Juneau Empire)
Metlakatla Chiefs fall in third-place game at state 2A basketball tournament

Girls from Metlakatla also come up short in 4th/6th-place game.

Wrangell senior Lucas Schneider (15) fights for a loose ball with Susitna Valley’s Earl Davidson during the Wolves 53-50 loss to the Rams in the 4th/6th-place game Saturday at the 2025 ASAA March Madness Alaska 2A State Basketball Championships at UAA’s Avis Sports Center. (Klas Stolpe / Juneau Empire)
Wolves battle Rams in 2A state tournament’s final day

Wrangell falls to Susitna Valley in 4th/6th-place game.

Kake’s Aiden Clark (25) puts up a shot against Tri-Valley’s Kole Lucas (33), Reid Williams (2) and Henry Miner (34) during their 4th/6th-place game Saturday at the 2025 ASAA March Madness Alaska 1A State Basketball Championships at Anchorage’s Alaska Airlines Center. (Klas Stolpe / Juneau Empire)
Kake boys fourth at state, Clark and Jackson tally double-doubles

Skagway Panthers win consolation final for seventh place over Nunamiut.

Jonathan Estes, a parent of three students attending the Dzantik’i Heeni campus, testifies for a safe playground at a special Juneau Board of Education meeting on Thursday, March 13, 2025. (Jasz Garrett / Juneau Empire)
Juneau School District submits budget for next school year to Juneau Assembly

The plan assumes $400 BSA hike and no staff vacancies; board also advocates for DH playground.

Most Read