Nothing complements a bleak Southeast Alaska day like coffee (except maybe French-fries and Radiohead).
Come to think of it, coffee pairs well with everything, even weight lifting. Yes, weight lifting. New studies show drinking coffee during workouts boosts power and endurance. The donuts, however, are probably counter-productive.
Anyway, even though I kicked most of my bad habits after I got married — like weight lifting, for instance — my coffee jones rages stronger than ever, mostly because it’s the one addiction my wife lets me keep.
I chain-drink coffee all day, every day. Aside from several hours in the evening when I may enjoy a cold beverage or four, I generally stick to the hot stuff. Doesn’t that mess with my sleep? Couldn’t say — I’ve been awake since 2008.
And I know I’m not the only one who bows before this dark, steamy master. Coffee ranks as the second-most consumed beverage on earth — 2.25 billion cups a day — eclipsed only by water, and that’s just because everyone’s trying to rinse out all that gross coffee breath. In the US, more than 150 million Americans report using … sorry, I mean “drinking” coffee regularly. Want to start a zombie apocalypse? Shut down Starbucks.
We Alaskans, in particular, love ourselves a good cuppa. Of course, up here temptation lurks everywhere. If you think Juneau’s flooded with drive thru-espresso stands, you should check out Anchorage sometime; there’s literally a pusher on every street corner (and in most parking lots).
Make no mistake: coffee is a drug. Aside from caffeine, a well-documented stimulant, scientists have recently identified other compounds in its composition known to effect body chemistry, including several mild psychotropic substances. “Psychotropic stimulant” … I’m no eighth-grade health teacher, but that sure sounds like drugs to me.
On the flipside, coffee may actually possess some health benefits. Studies show it can reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and gallstones; enhance cognitive performance and possibly even help prevent type 2 diabetes. Coffee also makes a delicious ice cream flavor, whereas synthetic insulin does not.
No question some people can handle their coffee better than others. For example: unlike a “caffiend” such as myself, for whom the merest taste sparks a weeklong binge, my wife can limit herself to one cup and one cup only. But deprive her of that? It’s like a scene from“Trainspotting.”
Hence, we go to great lengths forestalling this eventuality.
First, there’s the auto-drip. If that breaks — and no coffee maker we’ve ever owned lives to see its second birthday — we fall back on a Brazilian press. Not a French press, a Brazilian press. I got it a few years ago, when Brazilians were all the rage; but now I’m thinking about going back (I hear Gwyneth Paltrow has). And then, there’s all the random pieces of camping coffee equipment I’ve accumulated over the years, thank you very much Cabela’s catalog.
In our house, we’ll run out of milk, but never half n’ half. Sometimes I can’t even scrape together ingredients for rice n’ beans (in which case I whip up a batch of my famous beans n’ beans). But we always have enough grounds to hold us until first light, which, these days, is right about when my 6-year-old son wakes me up demanding French toast and threatening to make it himself, using the stove and sharp knives, if I don’t.
All this gives me pause: if I laid in the same supply of more illicit substances, that’d be legitimately worrisome. And it only gets worse with further self-assessment:
Do you ever drink coffee alone?
Constantly.
Do you drink coffee first thing in the morning?
It’s the only thing that gets me out of bed. That, and a tiny finger repeatedly poking me in the eye accompanied a squeaky little voice whining “daddy, daddy, make me French toast, daddy, daddy, etc.”
Do you stash coffee all over your house?
There’s a mug on every flat surface.
Are you worried about your coffee drinking?
Nah, not really. But I’m a staunch believer in the power of denial.
So, for now, at least, with respect to my coffee addiction I think I’ll take the advice of that girl from “Frozen” and just let it go. Also, I won’t hold it back anymore.
And should the situation ever really deteriorate, I can always call Dr. Drew from “Celebrity Rehab.” What? Who’s to say I’m not a celebrity? Worst-case scenario, I’ll pose as Axl Rose. Have you seen a photo of that dude lately? Now I don’t like labeling people as “fat” … let’s just say if he ran for president I could totally be his body double. Of course I’m not sure where I’d find XXL leather pants in Juneau and that’s not the kind of thing you want to Amazon Prime without trying on first.
Speaking of which, anyone know where a guy can score some “civet” in this town? You know, that super gourmet coffee made from beans eaten, partially digested and defecated by the Asian palm civet?
In a recent moment of desperation, I tried that with our neighbor’s cat. I mean, it came out okay, but you know, definitely not worth $75 a pound.
• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.
