Anyone who’s been on an airplane knows the unique mixture of fear and illusion that underscores the flying experience.
Besides the obvious fear of flying, which really means the fear of falling out of the sky, there are a host of other fears that fliers encounter.
It starts with the boarding call, which unmasks the fear of being the last one on the plane. It must be a case of performance anxiety, not wanting to have all eyes on you as you navigate an empty aisle and take your seat as the last passenger aboard. Why else would people crowd around and try to get on the plane first? Maybe they’re suffering from flashbacks from their MarkAir days when seat selection took place on the plane. Relax folks — you have an assigned seat, already.
Then there’s the fear of not getting space in the overhead bins. I think this is the real reason for the boarding anxiety. I usually check my bag, but this last trip I chose to carry on my roller bag. Standing in line to board, I was consumed with fear that I wouldn’t find a spot overhead.
I resented every single person in line ahead of me, knowing that they would take the spot that rightfully belonged to me. Then when I tried to lift my bag into the bin, I realized it weighed more than I did. I feared I would drop it on some old lady’s head and end up getting thrown off the plane for suitcase assault. Talk about performance anxiety! Turned out the only spot to put it was behind me, so I had to swim upstream like a salmon to retrieve my bag. Nothing like being the last one off the plane. Luckily, I caused no concussions and still managed to make my connection.
Then, dragging my roller bag through miles of airport terminals, I encountered another common fear — escalaphobia, or the fear of escalators. Riding escalators requires split-second timing — you must get on at the precise instant when the continuous step breaks into two distinct steps that quickly get farther and farther apart. Time it wrong, and you’ll find your toes hanging in midair, or your suitcase tipping over to tumble down the steps and take out the kids at the bottom who are wantonly running up the down escalator.
The stakes are so high here that cell phone use should be prohibited while navigating escalators. This last trip I found myself at the top of the escalator, roller bag in one hand, cell phone held to my ear with the other, leaving me with no free hand to grab the handrail to get safely onto the escalator. I had to hang up. Other, hardier souls could have accomplished such a feat, but I could not master my timing without using the handrail. Lest you think I’m an uncoordinated wimp (the jury’s out on that point) I confess to having my own flashbacks of escalator disaster. Have you seen the signs that say, “No strollers on escalator?” Take heed. Luckily, the baby wasn’t aboard when the stroller wheel got caught between the relentless advance of the moving steps and the stainless steel solidity of the unmoving side. That escalator chewed the wheel right off my stroller, leaving nothing behind but a mangled lump of rubber. Let the escalator rider beware: Tie your shoes, don’t let your coat dangle, hold the handrail, and for God’s sake, hang up that phone!
While trying to keep all these fears at bay, the successful traveler must embrace the illusions necessary to make airline travel possible.
First, there’s the illusion of space. Due to zealous attempts by airlines to shoehorn more and more passengers into planes, the only way to survive a long flight is to bolster the illusion that you have your own space. Lower your armrest to delineate that space, and try to ignore the fact that your legs are touching the thighs of the stranger sitting next to you.
Somehow, most people can embrace the illusion of privacy when talking on their phones in such close quarters. You can hear the most intimate details about your seatmate’s confidential financial transactions or touching professions of love. Many a bestselling novel idea was gleaned from overheard conversations on airplanes. If you find your life story in the next number-one bestseller, remember that cell phone privacy is merely an illusion.
Then there’s the illusion that you’re not being observed as you luxuriate in the coin-operated massage chair. For the record, you are.
Sleep is a major illusion on long flights. Close your eyes, lean your seat back, and drape your dubiously clean airplane blanket over you. You can savor the illusion that it’s just as good as being asleep in bed.
While attempting to deal with these illusions, it’s easy to overlook the biggest illusion of them all: The illusion that you have no fear of flying.
• Peggy McKee Barnhill is a wife, mother and aspiring author who lives in Juneau. She likes to look at the bright side of life.
