We’ve got a couple of important holidays coming up: Halloween and Election Day. But the budget is tight with all this inflation, so I don’t know if we can afford them both. Here’s an idea — let’s merge them together.
Seriously, Halloween and Election Day take place within the span of one week. There’s no reason to celebrate both of them separately when a merger will do the trick. We’ll call it “Electoween.”
What would that look like?
As you prepare for Halloween, the first part of Electoween, pay attention to your yard decorations. Maybe you’ll set up a crowd of skeletons holding campaign signs, or a giant pumpkin carved with the presidential seal. Stock up on candy, and don’t forget the potatoes for the viral Halloween Potato Trend.
On the night of Halloween, prepare to vote on the Trick-or-Treaters who come to your door. Run different primaries based on a variety of costume categories: scariest, most realistic, most expensive, least likely to be overturned on veto, etc. In Alaska, you can use a ranked choice ballot to vote for your favorite Trick-or-Treaters. You might need to watch a YouTube video to figure out the process, but that’s OK. Just remember, rank your favorite as number one and move on from there. Try to figure it out before the doorbell rings — kids don’t like to wait for their candy and nobody wants to wait for election results.
On Election Day, a mere five days later, we will celebrate the second part of Electoween. Trick-or-Voters will show up at the polls in costume, looking for treats along with their “I Voted” stickers. Rather than presenting their voter IDs, they will be expected to answer the question, “What are you dressed up as?” in order to qualify to vote. Don’t worry, dressing up as yourself is an option, as long as you carry a pillowcase with you for authenticity.
Once you pass the Trick-or-Voters’ eligibility scrutiny, you will be offered a ballot. Now is not the moment to reach into the bowl and grab as much as you can. Each Trick-or-Voter receives only one ballot, along with a pen in the shape of a broomstick to fill it out with. With the benefit of your YouTube research, you should be able to make your weighty decisions with ease. Pay close attention to the races for Congress. Candidates for the Haunted House of Representatives must be held to the highest ghostly standards. When you’re finished voting, simply deposit your ballot in the jack-o’-lantern ballot box, collect your candy or potato, and you’re done.
As a money saving measure, budgets for the two holidays will be combined. Candy and campaign spending will come out of the same pot. Political candidates can only spend money on big bags of Halloween candy with campaign buttons mixed in, to be distributed liberally to voters and Trick-or-Treaters alike. All other campaign spending will be discontinued. As an added benefit to this cost-saving measure, you can go back to watching TV without enduring seven campaign ads in each commercial break.
Keep an eye out for efforts to subvert this streamlined process. Pundits expect a proliferation of new PACs dedicated to Pumpkin Alternative Consumption. These formidable organizations strive to highlight the pumpkin spice takeover in the coffee and sweets market in the weeks leading up to Electoween. Don’t fall for their propaganda. Drink pumpkin spice chai latte if you want to, or don’t. The power lies in your hands.
We can also expect a variety of campaign slogans, such as “Yes We Candy,” “A Green New Gummy for America,” “It’s the Pumpkin, Stupid,” “A Potato in Every Pot,” or “Read My Lips, No New Snacks.” While you enjoy the candidates’ contributions to the English language and popular culture, don’t be tricked by their campaign promises. Ask the candidates, “What have you put in my candy bucket lately?”
At the end of the day, this merger between Halloween and Election Day offers us the chance to have our candy and get out to vote too. Enjoy every spooky civics moment in the days to come. Happy Electoween!
• Peggy McKee Barnhill is a wife, mother, and author who writes cozy mysteries under the pen name “Greta McKennan.” She likes to look at the bright side of life.
