New York Yankees Gio Urshela bats in a game against the Seattle Mariners on Thursday, May 9, 2019 in New York. (Kathy Willens | Associated Press File)

New York Yankees Gio Urshela bats in a game against the Seattle Mariners on Thursday, May 9, 2019 in New York. (Kathy Willens | Associated Press File)

Learning to ‘play ball’ in the game of marriage

Baseball season raises perhaps the biggest bone of marital contentions.

  • By GEOFF KIRSCH
  • Sunday, June 2, 2019 7:00am
  • Neighbors

In some ways, strong domestic relationships are based on hating each other’s favorite things. Spouse, partner, “better half” — whatever you call the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, you’re stuck with them as a roommate, and roommates are inherently annoying. Even the ones who make out with you.

For example: my wife despises some of my greatest loves — progressive rock, mayonnaise and cargo shorts, to name a few. Likewise, I can’t stand horror movies, weighted blankets and fawning over baby pictures of people I don’t know on Facebook.

That doesn’t mean we don’t share common interests — “your mom” jokes, Guns N’ Roses, passing out to David Attenborough documentaries — or that we don’t love each other. It just gives us relatively safe topics to argue about for a while, sort of like sparring, to sharpen our skills for real fights, you know, about money or in-laws or whose turn it is to wheel down the garbage cans at 6 a.m. every Monday.

ADVERTISEMENT
0 seconds of 0 secondsVolume 0%
Press shift question mark to access a list of keyboard shortcuts
00:00
00:00
00:00
 

But the stretch of April through September (and often on into October) raises perhaps the biggest bone of these marital contentions: baseball.

[Don’t hate me because my kids watch TV]

Understand, I’m not a typical sports fan. I mean, I had a youthful dalliance with football — I even went out my high school team, but there was too much running, so I quit. I followed basketball, too, until I started following the Grateful Dead and headed out on that whole long, strange trip …

For whatever reason, though, I’ve remained a lifelong baseball guy. I’m a geek — I love the statistics, the history, the intricate, idiosyncratic rules, the slow, methodical and thoughtful pace. And sure, it doesn’t hurt that my favorite team ranks as the most successful big league franchise in sports history, as well as a championship contender pretty much every year since 1995.

Now, I realize almost everyone else hates the Yankees — honestly, if I’d grown up outside New York, I’d probably hate them, too. Of course, I’d also dunk my pizza in ranch dressing and stink at parallel parking.

Of course, it’s a valid criticism. The Yankees are corporate. They do trade on past glory. Some of them did rely on performance-enhancing drugs. It’s impossible to get tickets for less than $300 a piece — they’re lot like the Rolling Stones that way. Still, you’ve got to give the Stones props, at least on some level.

Anyway, these days, I follow baseball more closely than ever. For one, it makes me feel like I’m actively engaged in a worthwhile pursuit, when all I’m really doing is watching TV and drinking beer, sometimes as early as 9:05 a.m. for day games on the East Coast.

[Opinion: A story of family and the human spirit]

But I also consider it educational. For some reason, our staunch decade-long, no screens during the week rule never applied to baseball. As such, my daughter spoke her first full sentences during the 2009 World Series: “What up, Sabathia?” and “I love Matsui.” Sadly, I had to explain to her a month later that Matsui was no longer with us — he’d gone to the Angels. Oh, well. Kids need to learn about free agency sooner or later.

Regardless, it’s all consuming. Not only do I watch baseball, I watch shows about baseball, often while simultaneously reading about baseball and playing Perfect Inning 2019. What’s more, my mood ebbs and flows with the season’s fortunes. For instance, I’ll be doubling my Prozac until Aaron Judge comes off the disabled list.

I think that comprises a major part of my wife’s hatred of my infatuation. That, and the fact that I snuck my phone into the delivery room during the birth of our second child. What? It was the 2010 postseason, and I’d just downloaded MLB At Bat. Plus, anything to avoid the temptation of peeking over the blue curtain. I did that the first time. Ever see someone pull apart someone else’s abdominal fascia? Yikes.

At heart, however, the issue has less to do with baseball than a realization: we don’t always live up to our own visions of ourselves. I don’t like to think of myself as the stereotypical husband who tunes out the world for sports and she doesn’t like to think of herself as the stereotypical wife who keeps yelling at her husband to turn off the game.

And yet, sometimes we can’t help who we are. She’s going to backseat drive, I’m going to snore. She’s going to buy shoes she doesn’t need, I’m going to start home improvement projects I’ll never finish. She’s going to make me watch Mark Ruffalo/Jennifer Aniston vehicles and I’m going to counter with the “Godfather” trilogy.

We’ll both fall asleep in protest.


• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors.


More in Neighbors

A rainbow spans the University of Alaska Southeast campus in September of 2024. (University of Alaska Southeast photo)
Sustainable Alaska: Reading relations

For the program’s 14th iteration, UAS’s One Campus, One Book committee selected… Continue reading

(Juneau Empire File)
Community calendar of upcoming events

This is a calendar updated daily of upcoming local events during the… Continue reading

(Photo provided by Gina Del Rosario)
Living and Growing: Holy Week

Filipinos are known all over the world for their strong faith in… Continue reading

Mary’s extreme bars, ready to slice. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Mary’s extreme bars

For at least 20 years, my sister Mary Watson has been making… Continue reading

The downtown Juneau cruise ship dock on a clear March day. (Mark Sabbatini / Juneau Empire file photo)
Living and Growing: Seeking joy during times of great uncertainty

“This is the greatest act of power I have come to know:… Continue reading

Sabrina Donnellan and her family attend a community luncheon for federal employees at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church on Saturday, March 8, 2025. (Jasz Garrett / Juneau Empire file photo)
Living and Growing: Choose empathy during these difficult times

“It is your concern when your neighbor’s wall is on fire.” —… Continue reading

On a nice day it’s always safe to talk about the weather. (City and Borough of Juneau photo)
Gimme A Smile: What to say when you’ve got nothing to say

It could happen, right? Despite your very best efforts, you could find… Continue reading

Braised carrots with garlic and thyme, freshly cooked. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Braised carrots with garlic and thyme

When I was growing up, my parents never, ever served cooked carrots… Continue reading

A black bear sow and her cub walk along the Trail of Time at the Mendenhall Glacier Visitor Center. (Michael Penn / Juneau Empire file photo)
Living and Growing: The bear

The folks of Southeast Alaska are fortunate in that we sometimes experience… Continue reading

Laura Rorem is a member of The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. (Courtesy photo)
Living and Growing: Practicing true patience

“Have patience, have patience, Don’t be in such a hurry, When you… Continue reading

Just-baked cinnamon rolls ready to serve. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Easy cinnamon rolls

My father really loved cinnamon rolls. In his later years I would… Continue reading

The Rev. Tim Harrison is the senior pastor at Chapel by the Lake. (Courtesy photo)
Living and Growing: The numbers tell the story

I love numbers and math. One of my first career aspirations was… Continue reading