Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that retail marijuana is a cure-all — although I hear it’s pretty good for headaches and nausea (not to mention Pink Floyd laser-light shows).
And I neither condone nor condemn its use, provided you’re of legal age and not operating heavy machinery. Plus, of course, there’s nothing funny about substance abuse, except maybe the first two Cheech and Chong movies, and even then it helps to have a buzz.
However, Alaska’s hemorrhaging money, and marijuana-based tax revenue — projected in the tens of millions annually — stands to be a lot more than just a Band-Aid fix (more like high grade surgical staples, actually).
In fact, the state estimates collecting between $5.1 million and $19.2 million in taxes the first year alone, a total largely dependent on whether or not Snoop Dogg makes good on last September’s promise to play a concert in Alaska if we passed Ballot Measure 2. We lived up to our end. Where’s Snoop?
Point is, Alaska, we’re looking at a whole bong-load of money. But so far, no financial institution has proved willing to serve pot shops; marijuana remains illegal at the national level and federal regulations prohibit banks from accepting money derived from “criminal enterprise.”
That means, like other states with legalized retail marijuana — BTW, Colorado recently announced its marijuana retail industry is on pace to add $125 million to the public fisc for 2015 — Alaskan businesses will be forced to deal in cash only. That’s also how they’ll pay their taxes, all $5.1-$19.2 million of them. To put it in perspective, envision a stack of one-dollar bills as tall as the Burj Khalifa (at 2,772 feet, it would take exactly $7.7 million to reach the tip of its spire).
For Alaska’s Tax Division, this presents various issues — security, counting mechanisms, space — in addition to the obvious underlying question: How do we manage this tower of revenue?
In fact, earlier this month the Tax Division announced a series of public brainstorming sessions hoping to elicit “creative ideas” on the subject. There’s one at 11 a.m. Thursday, Oct. 1, at Centennial Hall. It’s sure to be a hoot.
Of course, when it comes to economics, few brains are stormier than mine — it’s like a winter weather advisory up in this piece.
So, in case you’ve got something better to do at 11 a.m. on a weekday than listen to “creative ideas” from people who don’t — on the subject of marijuana, no less — here are my thoughts concerning what Alaska might do with all its pot money:
• Pursue a lawsuit against one Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr., aka “Snoop Dogg,” for breach of verbal contract. Seriously. He promised.
• Stash it under a giant mattress, preferably obtained at Mattress Ranch. Why shouldn’t Ted Saddler get a taste? If only we knew where to find a Mattress Ranch outle — Oh, right! Across from J.C. Penney’s warehouse on Arctic — that’s where they is (sic). Also across from the Bus Barn in Wasilla.
• Ring the bell at every bar in Alaska.
• Distribute televisions to all those righteous individuals who make a special point of not owning one, even though the minute their kids are asleep they mainline “House of Cards” and “Orange is the New Black” on their 12-inch MacBooks. Sorry, not only does that still count as watching TV, it’s watching TV on a really crappy little TV.
• While you’re at it, throw in some cable. You know, for the World Series, March Madness, the presidential debates, etc. That way I can come over to your house to watch stuff like that for a change.
• Start but never finish construction on a whole bunch of ill-advised bridge and highway projects.
• Sink it into pull-tabs.
• Take a page from “Breaking Bad” and open a car wash. Then, when we’ve outstripped the car wash’s money-laundering ability, we stuff it into steel drums and bury it in the New Mexico desert. Then we go back to our jobs teaching 10th-grade chemistry.
• Get my kids something from a vending machine every single time they beg me — $19.2 million a year would just about cover it.
• Stack it up into a pile as tall as the Burj Khalifa. I mean, that’s what Dubai did with all its money.
• Statewide build-your-own sundae night. Come on. This is a solid initiative — and bipartisan, too. Not to mention delicious.
• Acquire rights to complete Beatles catalogue.
• Buy a Chevy Camaro IROC-Z with tinted windows, chrome rims and ground effects. What? That’s what all the pot dealers at my high school growing up on Long Island would do. That’s how everyone knew they were pot dealers.
• As long as we’re brainstorming, I’ll take a pony.
• Bring President Obama back up here. That was fun.
• Reopen the bars on the Alaska Marine Highway ferries. Those were also fun.
• Invest in some of those special “ice blankets” they’ve been throwing down to slow the melting of glaciers in the Alps. Or, a whole bunch of those instant cooling snap towels.
• Two words: Cayman Islands.
• Why not copy those Mexican cartel bosses? You know, get a fleet of Bentleys, our own private racetrack, maybe a few pet baby panthers on gold leashes…
Of course, we could always use the new budgetary windfall to restore cuts to public welfare, education and the arts.
But what fun is that?
• “Slack Tide” runs every other Sunday in Neighbors. Follow Geoff’s daily Twitter feed @geoffkirsch.com.
