1. I wonder what happened to all our snow?
2. And what happened to the Canadian reggae singer Snow? You know, he scored a hit in the early 90s with that song “Informer.”
3. I’ll tell you what happened: we had one of the hottest, wettest six-week stretches on record. And not hot and wet in a good way.
4. I’m guessing the other Snow joined the witness protection program? You know, after all the informing he did.
5. With an average temperature of 34.9 degrees — 6.6. degrees above normal — Juneau experienced its ninth-warmest January since 1936. Come on, guys, ninth? We can do better than that — quick, go trade in your new Nissan Leaf for a Range Rover or a Hummer or some other gas-guzzling behemoth, like a Prius.
6. And we were off to such a promising December, too… Oh, well. That’s the way the Pacific Decadal Oscillation oscillates.
7. Maybe we’re being punished by the universe for failing to adequately support the Wal-Mart it so graciously bestowed upon us.
8. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Juneau’s weather is like a bad girlfriend/boyfriend. “Oh, no, I promise it’ll be different this time,” it seems to say, and maybe it is for a while — like around the holidays, for instance, things were wonderful. But then it turns crappy again and stays that way until you’re ready to call it quits, and then it gets all nice again, but only just enough to keep you hanging on.
9. Indefinitely.
10. What’s the plural form of Leaf, anyway? Nissan “Leaves”? Or do we go with the Toronto Maple Leafs model? You know, metric plural?
11. On the bright side, no snow means not putting on shoes to go pee off the back deck.
12. Of course, it also means dealing with all the junk you thought you could hide under the berm at the bottom of your driveway.
13. A week and a half ago, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter… sure, for the Lower 48. As of 2009’s Senate Bill 58, we Alaskans don’t observe Groundhog Day; we celebrate Marmot Day. Well, it’s been seven years now — seven years and 12 days, actually — and nary a marmot has weighed in with a prognostication. That’s so like our Legislature to declare an official Marmot Day but then never name an official marmot? How are we supposed to schedule the next month and a half without the opinion of a state-sanctioned ground squirrel?
14. When life hands you a marmot-less Marmot Day, you make marmot-less-Marmot-Day-ade.
15. And I’m an optimist. I look at my glass of marmot-less-Marmot-Day-ade as half-full.
16. Think of all the money the state’s saving on plowing and sanding this year. Certainly enough to fund a line item in next year’s budget for a state marmot.
17. Maybe even a few marmots, you know, to keep as understudies.
18. I’ll admit it: I’m glad not to be out there chipping ice from my driveway with a splitting maul.
19. I sure could use a blizzard right about now. Or a “Blizzard” (with brownies, cookie dough and peanut butter cups).
20. Too bad there’s no Dairy Queen in Juneau, either.
21. A snowflake consists of roughly 1,019 water molecules, coincidentally the same number of times I’ve heard the term “El Niño” since New Year’s.
22. Kids aren’t nearly as excited to go out and play in the sleet.
23. Who can blame them? Would you want to have a snain ball fight or build a wintry-mix man?
24. Although, slush angels are kind of fun. Just ask my son.
25. It’s nice to stroll around downtown without an ice axe, crampons and a partner on belay.
26. Snow that falls in the form of a ball rather than a flake is called “graupel” or “soft hail” (although, be warned, it’s a little touchy about its turgidity, so you should probably go with “graupel,” at least to its face).
27. Rekindle your love of the great indoors. Every day can be a powder day, provided you have enough confectioner’s sugar.
28. You probably won’t get “snow blindness.” Warning: you are still very much susceptible to “beer goggles.” That’s an all-season, all-weather affliction. Just ask my wife — she continues to suffer the after-effects of a particularly rough bout she had, let’s see, it’ll be 16 years ago this coming March. Which reminds me, better buy some flowers or something.
29. Does missing the smell of snow-blower exhaust make me a shoddy environmentalist?
30. But I am jonesing for it, though; I’m tempted to go mow the lawn.
31. I wonder how many snow cone makers it’d take to re-cover the sledding hill. How much cherry syrup?
32. Donald Trump should grow a handlebar moustache.
33. Did you hear they banned gun sales on Facebook? Don’t worry, you can still use it to buy knives, swords, brass knuckles, tactical throwing axes, nunchuks and strap-on stainless steel hand claws.
34. My mildew garden is flourishing… and by mildew garden, I mean my siding.
35. By the second week of February, snowfall at sea level in Juneau should exceed 60 inches. So far this winter, we’ve only seen 33; that’s about 30 inches less than average. But of course, as any weatherman will tell you, it’s not the size of your snowfall that matters — it’s how you use it.
36. Better start planning for summer now — there’s a really good chance it’s also going to be 43 degrees and raining every day.
• Geoff Kirsch’s Slacktide comes out the second and fourh Sunday of the month. He can be reached at geoff@geoffkirsch.com.
