I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Democrat. But I’m not a Republican, either.
Indeed, I’m registered as an independent — and I don’t mean a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which advocates seceding from the union to become our own country. Please. Who wants to apply for another passport?
No, I’m an independent with a lowercase i, as in no political affiliation. In fact, I don’t identify myself as anything other than a human being, and I’m sure I’d drop that label, too, if we ever got invaded by aliens or taken over by robots. I mean, I’d vote for a robot — I voted for Al Gore in 2000, right?
And so it is in my capacity as a human being — nothing more, nothing less — that I make the following entreaty.
To anyone considering voting for Donald Trump:
Think.
And I mean turn off “Fox and Friends” and really think.
Think about why you intend to cast your ballot for perhaps the least qualified major party candidate ever to seek the highest office in the land.
In fact, think about whether Donald Trump even knows what the President of the United States actually does. Surely if he had any concept of all the day-to-day duties, responsibilities and expectations of the job, he never would’ve left the “Apprentice.” You know, it’s probably not too late; I’m sure Schwarzenegger would understand.
Think long and hard. Don’t pull a hamstring or anything, but think about how a multi-billionaire who literally lives in an ivory tower managed to become the voice of the common man.
Because really, Donald Trump isn’t like you at all. He isn’t like any of us (although he does share many Alaskans’ affinity for self-tanner). Consider, for a moment, that Trump, unlike you, hasn’t paid taxes for two decades; serially marries and divorces supermodels; eats pizza with a knife and fork; flies around in a private jet that cost more than you’ll earn in a whole lifetime and employs a rather unorthodox — not to mention illegal — “handshake” when greeting strange women.
The man has his own fragrance. Do you have your own fragrance?
Think. Go ahead and hit your novelty Barack Obama punching bag if it helps you concentrate.
Think about Donald Trump’s entire campaign theme: Make America Great Again. Again. This implies we’re not great now. Imperfect? Sure. But a “disaster”? Really? Riddle me this: given the option of any country on earth to live — even with Hillary Clinton as president — which one would you choose? Be honest. And don’t say Canada. (By the same token, HRC supporters — if she loses, let’s not pretend you’ll be hopping the next Greyhound to Saskatoon, either, eh?)
Now think about Trump’s signature policy initiative, to build a wall along our southern border. Specifically, think about China and how effective its border wall ultimately proved at keeping out foreigners. As of 2005, there’s a Starbucks location there, inside the wall itself. My parents visited it; I’m drinking out of my souvenir mug right now. The greatest wall in the history of walls — breeched by Dr. and Mrs. Scott D. Kirsch, two 70-year-olds from Southern California.
Think about that comb-over. Credit where credit’s due, it truly is a spectacular comb-over. Speaking as a bald American, myself, I applaud the dedication its maintenance must take. But come on. Does he really think he’s fooling anyone?
Think. Don’t even wait. Just go ahead and grab your brain by the crotch.
Think about what you’d do if Donald Trump grabbed YOU by the crotch. At the end of the day, that seems to be his ultimate goal: to grab all of America by the crotch. Mission accomplished. Heck of a job, “Orangey.”
Think. And don’t limit your thoughts to 140 characters.
Think about whether or not Donald Trump cares at all about Alaska. Say what you will about the current commander-in-chief. At least he came up here. And had a salmon spawn all over his shoes. Did you hear him cry over spilled milt? By contrast, how do you think Donald Trump would react to a little sockeye semen?
Think.
Think about why certain people feel the need to work out their own psychological issues on the world stage — at the expense of everyone else.
Think about your own values. Think about how you live your life, treat other people, wish to be treated in return. Think about how you conduct yourself in public. Think about the language you use. Think about your own sense of personal responsibility.
Think about what’s more important: irking liberals — which, I’ll admit, is both easy and fun — or having a functional executive branch? While you’re at it, think about whether party loyalty trumps human decency.
Most importantly, think about how great it will be two and a half short weeks from now, when we can finally go back to watching football.
• Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors.
Read more Neighbors:
